I came across this book/website when my wife announced she is leaving me after 30 years of marriage and 3 children (2 still in middle school).

I read the book. I communicated here for a while, but I found it to be too rough and I was often attacked for just asking a question. So I went on with the book and kept to myself.

Almost a year has passed now. My wife is in another house. the kids go back and forth every 7 days. We are still legally married but we only communicate when it is about the kids or money. She is "nice" to me for the most part. She has told me she is going to file the paperwork soon.

I have done everything the book says. I have kept my distance. I have not pursued her. I have been working on myself. I am much more healthy than I was. I eat much better. I go running 3x per week. I am working out with weights. I have been working on my "anger issues." I meditate every day. I have not asked her to come back. I have not told her I love her. Nothing. The only thing I have done in the last 6 months is on her birthday I gave her a plant and a card and a stack of photos that she left behind I thought she would want.

I've done everything the book says, except I guess you could say I haven't really let go.

NOTHING has changed.

Two things in particular have not changed:

She has not indicated anything that she is thinking about changing course.

And nothing has changed about the way I feel about her.

In spite of the fact that I am meeting new people, I am on several dating websites and I have met some beautiful women who are admittedly more compatible with me, I still can't stop thinking about my wife. I have realized that I don't need someone that is more compatible with me. I have discovered what unconditional love is.

I have come a long way. I used to not be able to get out of bed in the morning. I had thoughts of hurting myself. I was barely functional. Now, sometimes I get waves of feeling great.

But I still love her. More than anything in this world.

And I am realizing that this DB technique, while it may have prevented us from hating each other, and probably has been good that I gave her space for a year, is not helping to bring us back together.

I have done much soul searching and I realize that one of the most difficult things through all of this is not being able to communicate honestly with her.

The "act as if" everything is great, and act like I'm happy that this is all happening has been helpful in some regards, except for the fact that I have had to be so silent about my love.

When you have a strong emotion, the strongest emotion you have felt in your life of 50 years, it is very difficult, it is painful, to keep it inside.

And in some ways, it just doesn't seem right. It seems dishonest.

Still, I admit, if I had pursued her and been honest all along, that could have backfired.

But now a year has passed.

I feel strongly that if I never step up to the plate and be honest with her and tell her how much I love her, that it is as if I am just holding the door open for her to go and I never even tried to stop the one thing from happening in my life that I don't want to happen more than anything else.

I don't know if I could live with myself, if all this goes through, the paperwork... and I never once opened my heart to her and told her the truth about how I feel.

Is that was DB is really saying I should do? Just hold the door open?

One thing about our relationship before this happened... one of the key missing components was that I DIDN'T EXPRESS MY LOVE for her. I didn't tell her I love her. I didn't make her feel like I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. She didn't feel loved. SOOOO a part of me feels like she needs to know that I DO love her and I DO want to spend the rest of my life with her. I feel like all this "laying low" and "minimal contact" and "act as if" and holding the door open, has CONFIRMED her feeling that I don't really love her.

I can't let her go without telling her, showing her, that I DO LOVE HER.

At this point I don't know that I have anything to lose, because this DB thing is not working.

I think I can approach her, most likely through a letter, and be honest and tell her the truth, without sounding "needy" without begging. Just being honest. I need to tell her that in spite of the differences we have, I have learned over the last year that I have an eternal unconditional love for her that I didn't know I had before. I need to tell her how I've been working on myself. And how if we are ever together again it would be my #1 priority in life to improve our relationship. She needs to know that if she ever does think about coming back, that things would be different. How and why would she think they would be any different, unless I tell her or show her?

I realize this goes against the DB way 100%.

But after a year of doing the DB thing, I realize that at some point I have to come up to the plate and take my at-bat and swing for the fence. If I don't ever do that, I don't think I will be able to live with myself.
I don't think she will necessarily instantly have a light bulb go off in her head and come running to me. But who knows. At least she'll know how I really feel.

I'm sure I'm going to be attacked for posting this and I'm not sure why I came back here and did it. I guess it's because it all started here for me. And I really do appreciate, there is some very good advice here. If I had not read the book, I probably would have begged her many times over by now and pushed her further away than she is. I do think it is good that time has passed and I kept my distance and we are still on "good terms" and perhaps that has set the stage for my move.

One of my favorite quotes has always been:

"Never let the fear of striking out prevent you from coming up to the plate" --Babe Ruth

I'm doing my warmups now and taking some practice swings....