Well summer is in full effect which means I am still working, but also carpooling kids all over to various camps and sports, and seems I just can't get much time to myself. Hoping to get caught up on some of your sitches today.
Things are fine with me, and not because they are going well with H, but because I am settling into a place of acceptance. It feels safe and comfortable. It has taken me so long to get here. It's too bad I can't go back in time and tell my wounded self to feel this way. That is when I really needed it! I can try and tell you Phoebe--that everything will be okay over time and that you will not feel the same way about him if he does or doesn't come back--but I know that is not possible. I do genuinely believe in time, you will come out stronger and find better, more authentic Rs in your life.
There is not much going on between H & I--no affection, no I love yous, no R talk--but I am welcoming the change. He has tried to have R talks and define where we are, but I don't feel open to that right now. In fact he wanted to have this intense conversation and seem annoyed that we weren't "defining where we are," but I just can't do that right now. We are functioning well as a family unit, no drama, and it actually feels normal for a change! After 2.5 years of emotional highs and lows, it is a welcomed break.
I think if things can continue on this path, the attraction and R can happen naturally. We can't really force that stuff, can we? My biggest safety right now is that with this space from the emotions, the triggers are fading. It is so nice, and a huge relief, to not have all these little triggers get me in the gut and throw me off. I see them, hear them, and note them, but I simply acknowledge them and shelf them away.
Perhaps so many Ms end in D because when people reach a place of detachment, instead of welcoming and accepting it, they give up and move on. Or they begin to invest in something new and exciting that inflates their ego. I have no interest in that. I want my M, my H, and my family intact. So, I don't want to be all lovely dovey, talk about our R, and go back to MC. Well, that is just where I am now. Who says anything has to be a certain way. I like where I am at, and that, THAT, is what I need right now.
He's kinda frustrated and pouty about it, but too bad, his circus.
-Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
