I see it a little differently. I think of it more like an injustice or a crime that I have a natural need for restitution from. In the state H and I lived in, is is a crime. A misdemeanor, but still.
If your home was burglarized or your car stolen, or your daughter raped or killed, we would all feel the perpetrator should be held accountable, right? We wouldn't think of that need for justice as something that was about ego, or that we would be stronger if we didn't pursue the issue.
Most women are raped by someone they know. A beloved grandfather or uncle may have molested children in the family. The family is devastated. Someone they loved and have known all their lives, have done something horrific. The individual family members will handle it differently - some will go into denial, some will blame the victim, some will feel he should be punished. It's hard when someone you love does something bad. It can fracture the family. People take sides and never get past it.
I don't think I necessarily need to hear H say that he regrets losing me. I mainly want him to admit that what he did was wrong and hurtful and that his choice to have an A has has nothing to do with our M problems.
Him using our M problems as an excuse to have and A and replace me with OW is sort of like if he had never learned how to drive, got a car and crashed it, and then blamed the crash on the car and thought if he just got a new car, he wouldn't crash again.
Painter,
I completely understand how you feel. I want my husband to regret and suffer and acknowledge as well. You are so lucky you are in a state that somewhat supports marital contracts. In fact, right now I am in one of those livid moods consummed with anger at how he wasted my life because he was a irresponsible, greedy, selfish, pathetic, coward.
But here's the thing, it's like expecting actual remorse from a sociopathic serial killer. There is something wrong with them or they would not have done this and certainly not the way that they did. They can say anything but it has no substance.
Holding onto it just keeps us in a bad spot. And I do it too. But it's getting less frequent. It used to be 24/7 now it's maybe certain time of month or with certain triggers.
I look forward to one day not feeling this way at all. And I hope that for you too.
