What Should I be doing (5)

[Stormchaser]

Si - luckily for us, she's in IC to discover the reasons why she did this. And so far its been working, her IC has been pretty supportive and has taught her how to resist future temptations and focus primarily on the marriage.

We are also in MC as well - did you guys ever get into therapy? We're finding it a huge help. We had actually cancelled our last session and were trying to do it ourselves, but this last setback shows we still have work to do.

[Si_07]

We got to one session to work together, had another fight a few days later and by the time we had the second one, she said she was done. Had spent a night at this guys house, said she didn't do anything after I confronted her there but she stayed there.

[sandi2]

I'm not sure I understand the argument over social media. However, I think you need to stay away from always "stressing" to her that you are not comfortable with OM having access (or whatever it was). I don't think she is going to stop it. You have expressed your feelings about this several times and she chooses to not do what you've asked. So.........why continue doing what doesn't work?

[Stormchaser]

We got to one session to work together, had another fight a few days later and by the time we had the second one, she said she was done. Had spent a night at this guys house, said she didn't do anything after I confronted her there but she stayed there.

I'm sorry to hear that - unfortunately, it sounded like she already checked out at that time. That's a very sad story and quite common anymore.

We were friends with a couple about 15 years ago that had split. I vividly remember the wife in that couple saying, "I'm only going to marriage counseling to say I went and tried - I know in my heart its over". I felt so terrible for the guy because he desperately wanted it to work. Fortunately for them, they were only married about 2 years, and both have remarried others since and are living quite happily.

[Si_07]

No I agree, I felt (despite her am saying otherwise) that she had checked out before that. I even raised it with her, I think this is why I'm really in a feeling of not being bothered if she were to try and come back. I have felt like I have been living a lie for too long and it's always been my fault for our problems. She has never looked at herself within our relationship and I don't have the feeling she ever will.

There was no remorse and there was no interest in doing something for me, I was burnt from building our house, friends told her so and suggested she took me away for a weekend even offering to take our kids so we could go away just together but I don't think I was worth it to her by then...

Sorry for hi-jacking your thread Coconut.

[Coconut]

I'm not sure I understand the argument over social media. However, I think you need to stay away from always "stressing" to her that you are not comfortable with OM having access (or whatever it was). I don't think she is going to stop it. You have expressed your feelings about this several times and she chooses to not do what you've asked. So.........why continue doing what doesn't work?

Actually it was her argument, I was upset about it, she knew I was and approached me. I had simply come home and went straight to the room (I shoulda at least said hi, but I didn't want to talk to her at that moment), she came into the room and started laying out her reasons why it doesn't mean anything, yada yada... I didn't lose my cool, but she did, I simply explained why I didn't like it. Eventually she did block him, but it frustrates me that she doesn't see why it would matter to me.

On a brighter note, I am starting to let triggers go without feeling the need to discuss or question her about every one of them. I want to identify the little things that trigger me, wait until I have enough of them to figure out what the real issue is and then maybe discuss the bigger picture, instead of each individual circumstance.

[BluWave]

So had a good night last night with W, and a really nice morning. But I'm here because my W posted a pic of her and our S on Instagram this morning, I went on to see the pic and comment on it. I saw OM liked the pic, and my blood boiled, I feel Like he invaded my life by liking a picture with my son and for the first time I really want to confront him in a not so nice way. Anyway, my W told me she unfriended this guy on Instagram and I looked in her following list and saw him on the list.

I'm gonna keep the duct tape on for a little bit, but I don't know if I can hold it in for long..

Oh brother, I can so relate to you. You get triggered, the emotions spike, you try to keep the duct tape on, but like a kettle, as the temp rises, the lid will blow! then you feel terrible, back peddle, and your initial feelings are overshadowed by your bad behavior. Soooo, those initial feelings are not properly being dealt with.

So here are my initial thoughts. This STFU duct tape is not too silence you and it is definitely not there so you can bury your emotions. That is dangerous territory. Maybe think of it as a way to buy yourself time--time to honor your feelings, time to think, and time to formulate the response that best represents C-nut. I am just suggesting you reframe the way you think about it.

Honestly, I would and did feel the same way as you did, especially when it comes to social media, crossing paths with OW, and the general lack of boundaries my H has had with women in general. And while some people here may think I am controlling, I would ax that behavior off in a heart beat. And I still do. And you know what? H is changing. Not because I am telling him to, but because he sees I am not attracted to him when he is inconsiderate of me, and he want this M to work.

What I have changed is my approach. Acting on emotions is never a good idea--you are putting yourself out there and everyone can see your vulnerabilities. So don't think of the duct tape as a way to stuff your emotions, silence yourself, or show HER your changes. The duct tape is the time YOU deserve so that you can show the world your best self as you heal from this painful mess that SHE created.

And it will get easier with time. It will. No one could have told me that one year ago or even 6 months ago. I am going on 14 months, and I can tell you, I am in a completely diff place now. I am detached. It just takes time, working on yourself, however if you don't like what your W is doing, then by all means, listen to yourself. If in time she is still behaving in a way that you don't like, then you can reevaluate the M then.

-Blu

[Coconut]

No I agree, I felt (despite her am saying otherwise) that she had checked out before that. I even raised it with her, I think this is why I'm really in a feeling of not being bothered if she were to try and come back. I have felt like I have been living a lie for too long and it's always been my fault for our problems. She has never looked at herself within our relationship and I don't have the feeling she ever will.

There was no remorse and there was no interest in doing something for me, I was burnt from building our house, friends told her so and suggested she took me away for a weekend even offering to take our kids so we could go away just together but I don't think I was worth it to her by then...

Sorry for hi-jacking your thread Coconut.

Si_07, no worries, I appreciate your comments as you've been there and done that, not hijacking at all.

You have experienced what I fear the most and knowing how parallel most sitches run, I appreciate any information you provide. One thing that I find interesting is that your W came to you, admitted the feelings for OM and said she chose you, then went to OM 4 months later. Do you know what happened in that 4 months that changed your W's mind? you mentioned not going to IC or MC, but where you pushing, did your W just never get over OM?

[Si_07]

Hi Coconut, I didn't do the things I needed to also. I didn't get out and do my own thing, when I was building the house she had said that she felt like a single parent as I did a lot of the work myself. I think I swung to far the other way and was always around, put all my focus into the family and did nothing for me. I was also suffering from complete burn out, even collapsed one night and spent the night in the hospital. I think partly i became inconsistent, could do wonderful things for her one day but was losing control and patient others. When she started having contact again, although she never really stopped, I was pushing and driving to hard. I had looked for ways to help me recover but was losing control of my own emotions too often. Like I said, I was burnt and exhausted but I still wasn't helping the situation. I was too sharp and to defensive, well we both were to be honest. I think we were both burnt out to be honest. I was finding messages from her to friends telling them I was depressed which was making me angry and resentful.

I do feel this OM became an emotional crutch, I'm not even sure he is much in the picture other than at work together at the moment. I could be wrong of course but W hasn't done a lot of the things common in a number of the situations. When she was still at home, I did get on her phone a couple of times and there were no messages, phone calls, his number wasn't in her contact list. I don't know if she got a 2nd phone or used email. I do know she went to his place a couple of times though.

There was a lot of tension in our house and I needed out of it to focus on me, see some of the things I was doing wrong. Like I said, by not doing anything for myself, we were in each other's space way too much and were not bringing new things to talk about. That's were I understand why they say GAL is so important, there was no mystery to me.

W has said she broke, gave up, quit on us but didn't believe she was the one that needs any fixing. I don't think she got him out of her head or the lifestyle her new friends have. (They are all single with no kids). Since we were having a rough time and arguing too much, I do think it was probably only a matter of time till we both broke. That's were I believe we are now, both broken and trying to find ourselves again. Whether those paths meet again, I don't know. I can only work on my own and rebuild myself.

[RSG]

And it will get easier with time. It will. No one could have told me that one year ago or even 6 months ago. I am going on 14 months, and I can tell you, I am in a completely diff place now. I am detached. It just takes time, working on yourself, however if you don't like what your W is doing, then by all means, listen to yourself. If in time she is still behaving in a way that you don't like, then you can reevaluate the M then.

-Blu

Wow. 14mos. Scares the doodoo out of me. I'll be at 1 month in a few days. I'm not in a completely different place, but I see myself on a positive path trending upwards. I recognize the things I haven't liked about myself, am out GAL, texting/calling little to none unless specifically about S (still need to improve here), don't linger when she's around, am positive and upbeat, keeping my mouth shut when I want to say something I shouldn't (whether it's I miss you or WTF are you doing!). I guess it's too soon to judge whether she actually misses me or not, or to spend much if any time thinking about it.

Blu, it would be very helpful to me if you could tell me what you did in the beginning that helped you so much. Should I just find your posts and start there?

Thanks!!!