Saw my IC yesterday and she got very real with me. She is like a mom, very sensitive and supportive but firm when needed. We agreed I cannot hear anything about exNG's personal life anymore. It sets me back and they are thing no exGF should know. I might actually see him in a few weeks at a party, but I don't know he is going to be there. I can see him, but I cannot hear about his R anymore, whether it is good or bad.

Then we talked about me being the "in-between" girl. We concluded there was one guy who really treated me as so. She reminded me, which I always seem to forget, it is not only that we broke up because I wasn't right for these guys, but they aren't right for ME. I hold on too long hoping they will work, but the truth is, they aren't right for me, but I talk myself into them being so.

And why do I do that? This is where she shot me with truth darts. I think I can't do any better. I think I am not worth anymore. When I used my analogy of "I'll give 110% and I'll settle for 80% in return" she said "why can't it be equal?" Why should you always give more? Then she broke me down with "Maybe the next one should love YOU a little more than you love them"

And that was it. It came down to it. I never had anyone in my life who put me at the top of my list, a big one being my mom, drugs, gambling, sleeping, all came before me. I was like #10 on my ex's list, everyone and everything came before me, and I wasn't even up there for the guys I dated. I was always giving more and caring more than them. The only one who has ever put me first was my dad. Then at 17, when he finally felt he could leave and put himself and his new R first, I felt a little abanonded.

I put everyone and everything first, and these people never cared more than I did. Or equally. exNG would always say he did, but words are words.

So, my IC rattled off a list of why I am deserving, then a list of my self destructive points of view on myself. So, she said I am not ready even right now to be in an R, until I stop thinking I don't deserve it a really good R.

Really eye opening, and really true.

I realized, case and point, when I was in my appt with my IC, and D8 called. I called back and ex picked up and said, jokingly, but in front of her "She's so pathetic, she misses her mommy and wanted to talk to her" I told him, "there are people in my life who miss me when they aren't around me" This is what I lived with it.

I also have some things going on around me that I cannot talk about with anyone but my IC. Not to do with me. But it's stuff that leads me to believe monogamy doesn't exist anymore. it causes me to question everything I believe is true.

So, she also agrees I can cut back on the self work. Appreciating who I am as a deserving woman is really what my work is. Appreciating me in the here and now as I am that doesn't need fixing to make me worth what I really want.