A common theme I see in newcomer LBH'S is their urgency to talk to his W. Apparently, it is very difficult for him to let go of thinking they will overcome this problem by continuing communication and getting closer to each other.
In cases where the H has a wayward wife, I believe there needs to be a space created by the H. He basically steps away from any opportunities to be around her. That means no more family togetherness, family events and celebrations together. The purpose behind all of this is two fold. One, it gives him a period to wiene himself from any co-dependency he may have. It gives him time to focus on himself and how he wants to reinvent himself to be the man he wants to be, instead of focusing on her and trying to be a wife pleaser. Two, it gives her a little picture of what life without him could be. It cuts out a lot of cake eating. She wants to feel freedom, and this space gives her freedom from his presence.
Personally, I do not agree with the H going to his in-laws when the family members (and especially the W) will be there. This is her family, not his. She will feel very resentful toward him "intruding". Overall, in her opinion, he appears to be trying to score brownie points from her family. Although the H may have close ties with her family, he should refrain from showing up at a gathering where she is sure to be there. And frankly, I don't think he should be going to her parents home while he is giving her this space. If they want to see him, they can meet somewhere else. It's hard to explain, but it is a sensitive area for the W, and I believe it can be a stumbling block to reconciliation.
Newcomers have a desire to prove and "show" more love to the wayward wife. She doesn't want it. The more he tries to show her love.......the more distance he causes. He needs to regroup and realize the communication and show of love comes in a different package than he ever dreamed. He shows tough love. He communicates through actions.
Determine your boundaries. Determine what action you will take if those boundaries broken.
How can her "power" be disabled? When it no longer works for her. When she doesn't get what she wants by throwing a fit.
The WW is very manipulative, and although she doesn't want her H or the M.........she still wants to know what he's doing and who he is doing it with, and she still wants to dictate what he needs to do with the kids. She may even plan doctor's visits, school events, etc., on her H's time with the kids. He needs to be the one in charge of his time with the kids...........not her.
I am not in favor of sending photos of the kids while they are with daddy. This may sound cold, but it is a link of dependency that needs to be broken. Couples lived for centuries without instant photos throughout the day. To be blunt, this is reality of S & D. It is not to punish, but to give an illustration of what it will be if the W carries through to a D. But, this is JMHO.
Have to stop here, but I'll be back.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
