I'm struggling with mornings - the waking up, the disbelief that this is my life right now, and just the complete dread of another day in my reality. This is SO dramatic...and I hate to even admit it, but it's the truth. It's sad...but true.
I wanted to send him an update about D4 but after realizing I've been shoving her down his throat for the past few years, I decided not to. I've always updated him on every little thing, even when he was overseas, he never had the chance to ask about her. I thought that was part of being a good, on top of things mother...but alas, it seems as though I've created one of my biggest frustrations in our M - scratch that since D papers are just awaiting the judges stamp of approval - just a big frustration, was that he never really seemed interested in her. She's special needs, and amazing. From my POV, I know he loves her but isn't passionate about her like I am. I LIVE for this little girl. I gave up my career for her and so H could pursue a good career for himself...and heeere I am, with her and literally starting at the bottom...
UGH. I need to stop going over this over and over again. I think to myself, if someone did that for me and my child, I don't think I would have just RAN. I would have tried to do something to save our M, our family. Something. Anything!
So, I kept busy today.... Wanted to call him, beg him to consider everything... but he's busy with OW - messaging her, fantasizing about her. YUCK. go figure.
I need to really GAL, detach and 180. I said this months ago, and I'm stuck. JUST STUCK.
