Did Not See It

[RDS]

LiM, I need to *sticky* this to my email signature.

I know it's the way to go and seeing it put to words by someone else does help.

Thanks.

[RDS]

What you have to realize is that right now, your W DOESN'T want you to be in contact with her. Trying to connect with her will only drive her away. My WW was angry about my detachment and going dark but when I talked to her about it, she agreed that it would have only pushed her further away if I had pursued. So don't do it!

The one thing I am worried about is the last year or so of our marriage I was detached from her and had very little contact. There was do DB at all. I was just resentful towards her. That was one of the things that upset her and drove her away. If I continue to remain detached wouldn't she still think it was the same as when we were together?

[LiM]

No. Trying to reconnect with her right now would only push her away. I'm speaking from experience here so please listen with your heart.
I was emotionally absent and unavailable to my W and daughters. For YEARS. I was so consumed and depressed with work related issues (I founded and run a medical device startup) that I had no place in my life for anything but my own misery. Even before starting my current business, I allowed myself to be consumed by my own issues at the expense of the needs of my family.
After discovering my W's A, I kicked her out of the house and continued working on ME. I did not pursue. It made her angry. She DID see that I was changing; that I was becoming a different person. And that mad her mad too. It was only after she was willing to let go over her resentment and anger that she was able to appreciate the changes I had made and begin to regret her choices.
I know it seems counterintuitive but it is the way forward. You've got to give her time and space. If you truly make changes in your life, permanent, meaningful changes; she will see them in time.
Right now, you have to let her go. When she is ready to see the "new" RDS, she will let you know. It will be obvious. But it will take time. That time is a gift to you. don't waste it.

[LiM]

And remember that detachment is an emotional state of mind. It means that you are not controlled or affected by her behaviors. It doest mean you are cold or cruel to her. You can be pleasant when you see or talk with her and that WILL happen again. In order to fully realize YOUR full potential, you must detach. You can't do that if you are constantly worried about her and her feeling.
My W has never told me that I need to do or be x, y or z. I just did it. I figured out what my faults were and started changing them. Not to win her back but rather because I wanted to be a better person. These changes will continue whether I am with my W or not because its how I can be the best person I can be. That's what you need to be focused on right now.

[RDS]

One of the things I'm really doing to GAL is controlling my anger. I'm trying to realize getting angry over trivial things is pointless.

Case(s) in point:

My daughter got a new puppy. She is not near hour trained. She urinates on the carpet. I shrug my shoulders and clean the mess.

My A/C going on the blink. I actually think it's pretty funny when I troubleshoot the problem while I'm sweating my ass off.

My commute to and from work doesn't seem to bother me nearly as much. I'm trying to come to the realization there is nothing I can do about it and getting to work or coming home angry isn't fun.

It's amazing how letting these aggravations slide off my back is uplifting. I have realized these things that used to get my blood boiling are really trivial and my mood stays upbeat where before I let those aggravations gleefully fuel my anger. Baby steps but it's a happy start.

[RDS]

Today was another day when I came home from work and my wife left me more pictures and memorabilia on the front porch. Luckily most of the pictures weren't too heart-wrenching as some of the others she has left. A lot of the pictures she left were supposedly for my daughter but there are others that are definitely for me. I have not contacted her to comment about her doing this so I don't know what she is thinking when she does this.

My questions is, why is she doing this? Is she trying to symbolize her cleansing of our lives or is it a way to make a dig at me?

[RSG]

One of the things I'm really doing to GAL is controlling my anger. I'm trying to realize getting angry over trivial things is pointless.

My commute to and from work doesn't seem to bother me nearly as much. I'm trying to come to the realization there is nothing I can do about it and getting to work or coming home angry isn't fun.

Inspiring to read someone that has (or had!) issues with this. I work in Atlanta. Our traffic is hell. I get stressed out like nobody's business. I'm trying to calm down, and remind myself traffic is 110% out of my control. This is actually something WW has mentioned specifically. Did you do anything specifically, or just man up and work? That's something I really need to do.

[RDS]

Inspiring to read someone that has (or had!) issues with this. I work in Atlanta. Our traffic is hell. I get stressed out like nobody's business. I'm trying to calm down, and remind myself traffic is 110% out of my control. This is actually something WW has mentioned specifically. Did you do anything specifically, or just man up and work? That's something I really need to do.

Controlling my anger is something I just "man upped". Every time I felt myself getting angry I took a deep breath and told myself there is *nothing* I can do to change what is making me angry and so far it's working. I won't deny, on my daily commute I have to take a lot of deep breaths to keep myself from going into road rage.

[RDS]

Looking through the pictures my W left me and my daughter all I can say is my W was so beautiful and innocent looking when we first married. She hated having her picture taken but I was big into photography then and she was my model. The pictures aren't making me too sad. I hate it because I'm wasting my time looking at them and reminiscing.

[RDS]

Yesterday was Sunday and I hate Sundays, and as usual I am hurting, again more now than the rest of the week. It’s been 6 weeks to the day since I came home (Mother’s Day) and found my W of 31+ years had emptied our house and moved out. I’m no longer in a fog as I was the first few days but I can’t shake the emptiness and hurt I’ve been in since then. I still have no idea where she lives. I only know where she works. I am trying to detach but living in this house has so many memories built in I just can’t escape her.

I spent yesterday (Father’s Day) cleaning the master bathroom and the secondary bathroom. My W was the only one who used the master bathroom. I started using the secondary bathroom a few years ago because our schedule in the morning conflicted with us using the same bathroom so I started using the secondary bathroom while she continued using the master bathroom. It was easier that way. I used to be the one who “deep cleaned” the bathrooms every couple of months. I was able to give the elbow grease to get the bathrooms sparkling. My W would keep her bathroom clean but I was the one who scrubbed it to a military spit shine. Over the last couple of years my W stopped caring about her bathroom. It got to be disgusting (as the rest of the house) and I wouldn’t even go in there. Well, today I decided I was going to clean the master bathroom just as I used to do. It took me hours and I finally got the bathroom to showroom quality. I kept thinking if only my W could see it now. She used to get so happy when I would clean the bathroom as only as I could.

I served my W a spousal support decree 27 days ago. The decree said the W will support herself and I will support myself. I don’t know how she is going to respond to the papers. She told my D she couldn’t afford a L but my W knows a lot of people, including a few lawyers, so I will not be surprised if she comes up with a counter argument that I will have to pay her a significant amount of money to support her while we are separated. I mention this because I really want to do the telephone coaching. I have budgeted the money to pay for it but only if I am not ordered to pay money for my W upkeep. I am reading the DR book and a lot of the items in the book I’m trying to follow, but there are so many questions I have that I can’t figure out on my own.

As I said, it’s been 6 weeks since she walked away and I can count on 2 hands how many text messages we’ve exchanged and I’ve only talked to her twice for a total of maybe 6 minutes. I am really trying to DB, but it seems pointless to better myself and GAL if she isn’t around to see the improvements I’m doing for myself. I know I’m supposed to do this to better myself and not concern myself on how she feels, and I will admit the small steps I’m doing makes me feel better but I still want my W to at least see I’m trying.

All the people I know have told me repeatedly that I am way better off if I stay away from my W. They just can’t see why I would want to stay with her. Even my IC expressed surprise when I told her I still wanted to say married to my W. My W has always been headstrong and most people would consider her a royal Bitch, and she was, but with me she was so loving and gave me her heart without hesitation.

Has anybody posting tried the telephone coaching and was it worth the price? I’m thinking of doing the 3 session package.