Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Phoebe]

So I'm having a difficult day again, maybe because I started the day with that awful dream, maybe because I just started working on my financial documentation form for my L. What a nightmare that form is, and I don't even have much of the information it asks for - H does. It all seems so real and final.

Anyway, I just texted my therapist asking if he has any more time this week to see me, and I texted my L/biking friend to see if he would like to go biking, so I'm trying to get myself into a better place, but I here come the damn tears again. I'm a human watering can.

I'm going to go outside and see if I can scare up any project to work on to get myself distracted. Or maybe I'll just sit and watch the chickens going about their free-ranging business. Working on the paperwork is definitely making things more difficult today, and I've barely even touched it.

Last night I was reading a book from my therapist, and that also has me reminded that I need to deal with all of the grief and pain, and that distractions don't take away the underlying issues. There is a whole book out there that's been written about sudden spousal abandonment syndrome. thinking that you had a good marriage and then having that person walk away one night with no warning whatsoever really messes with a person's mind. There's no way to prepare. At all.

I am not ruminating, I'm just emotional and sad and lonely and missing my best friend. Last week I was over scheduled, and this week I am seemingly under scheduled. I rescheduled my grief counselor session tomorrow because I knew I wasn't up to the task.

And, thanks to the modern miracle of the text message, I am biking tonight and seeing my therapist tomorrow. Every single day I do what i can to try to help myself, and yet I still have these days where I feel like I am barely staying afloat. Most people comment that I'm seeming better and laughing and smiling more, but I still have these days...