Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 2

[PsySara]

Ok, so big update.

I was going to tell WH last night that we could forego the talks for now as both of us are still raw and volatile. However he came to me and requested to speak because he really wanted to discuss things. First he told me to ask any questions:

1. When did the affair reignite? She came to me afterward and said she missed me. She bought a track phone so we could communicate. We had sex one time and then for the next three weeks we hung out but she started becoming cold and detached from me. I do't think she could trust me anymore. The last time we communicated was at the end of April and the relationship just sort of died. We communicated once after you called her on Thursday and cursed her out and threatened to expose her again. She called you crazy and I defended you, told her that I had hurt you and betrayed you again and that your reaction was expected in the setting of deep pain.

2. Did you have sex with her on my birthday? (This has been a weird obsessive thought going through my head) No, we only had sex one time at the beginning of April and then she appeared to be turned off by me. While we still "dated" it wasn't the same and she wasn't the same. It became awkward at the end.

While we were only supposed to talk for an hour it ended up going over 5 hours. (mostly because my WH was talking and I was validating and really trying to hear him. Initially he started with blame shifting and defensiveness but within an hour of validating and 180ing (I did not show my temper and did not try to argue with his words) he started pouring out all his fears, thoughts, pain and deep, deep guilt and shame. He admitted he was incredibly selfish and that he wanted his cake and eat it too, as in having two women in his life. He had noticed a shift in me in May (while I applying DBing techniques) and felt he needed to let me go because he knew he was being utterly unfair to me. However he never wanted to divorce me and was really struggling with the way OW made him feel good versus the immense amount of work he would have to do if he wanted to save our marriage.

He said while he never compared me and OW per se, he did find qualities in her that I do not have. (At this point I had to practically sit on my face to STFU.) He described her as vulnerable and somewhat needy. He made all decisions with regards to where they went and what they did. He felt needed by her and felt protective. He admits that he views me as a very strong and confident woman and that he often felt unloved and unneeded.

Honestly she came across as empty to me when he described her, he did not know what her desires and interests were, she appeared to be content letting him make all the decisions and overlaying his opinions onto her. But the point wasn't for me to judge and tell him my thoughts on her but to hear what he found in her and why he was continually drawn to her.

For about 85% of the conversation he spoke. He eventually told me he thought our marriage was doomed because he was so drawn to this OW and he again betrayed me after promising he wouldn't cheat again. He now thinks there is something wrong with him and he is struggling to know what to do to fix it. I gently suggested that he made need to find someone he can talk to about his inner struggles. He said he felt he couldn't really talk to someone like he could talk to me but that he knew it was unfair to expect support and counsel from the person he wounded. He wanted to know what my plans were for our marriage. Ia was frank and told him I was not sure. I told him I was taking care of myself and would continue to take care of my kids. I did tell him about the coaching sessions and he said it obviously had helped me immensely. He said he had noticed a change in me, I was more like my old self when our relationship was young. He asked if he could pay for my next package of sessions because he thinks it would continue to help me and maybe even us.

There was so much more but I would be typing for hours if I tried to replay everything. Suffice it to say I didn't go to bed until 3 am but I feel okay. I am not expecting anything from WH. I will still depend on myself and my support group and not put any stock into his words and promises. Only time and observed behavior will tell. But I will say my gut feels very calm. I think he may be coming out of the fog and hopefully coming to the point where he can begin working on himself. No matter what happens to our marriage I will be okay.