Well hello wave of pain. Mind movies have started back up and it keeps taking my breath away. Why couldn't I have a truly remorseful spouse from the get-go? Why do I have to do this dance while he treats me like garbage? Will he ever come out of this fog? Or is it just his new baseline, this selfish, entitled jack@ss? Better yet, why couldn't I have married a man who actually believed in fidelity? He sure did talk a lot about it and now he is wallowing in his self pity and justifications. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up until this was all over. This pain is just horrendous.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I am 100% with you. What happened to the men we married? The pain feels too great to handle at times, like it's pushing you down right? We have to figure out how to be stronger, bigger than it. I write a lot of letters to my H and don't send them. It doesn't make a huge difference, but it lets me get a little off my chest. But I'm with you - when will it get easier??
Me: 37 Husband: 35 Married 5 years, together 13 Daughter - 1 Bomb dropped - 12/28/2015 He's moving out (officially) - 4/15/2016 EA confirmed 6/1/16 PA confirmed 8/1/16
Kids school called and said S3 had a temp of 103.3 and needed to be picked up.Since it was so close to the end of the day I decided to pick both D5 and S3 up. When I came home WH was napping on the couch so I medicated S3 and he went down for a nap. D5 started playing at her craft table so I decided to dress in something more comfortable. I put on my daisy duke shorts, my tank top and brushed out my hair before going back in the living room to check on the baby. WH glanced at me and then quickly looked at the floor. In the past he has admitted to feeling awkward when I dress provocatively because he feels ambivalent towards me. He is attracted to what he sees but also feels like bad because he knows he betrayed me. Frankly I don't care, it's flippin' hot today so I am wearing comfortable (albeit sexy) clothing indoors.
I wear full Islamic garb when outside my home so he previously complained I didn't dress sexy while at home. Be careful what you wish for, you jerk.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Oh, I was supposed to go bowling today as a GAL activity but we all had to reschedule until tomorrow. So I am staying upstairs with S3 and WH is down stairs.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I was going to tell WH last night that we could forego the talks for now as both of us are still raw and volatile. However he came to me and requested to speak because he really wanted to discuss things. First he told me to ask any questions:
1. When did the affair reignite? She came to me afterward and said she missed me. She bought a track phone so we could communicate. We had sex one time and then for the next three weeks we hung out but she started becoming cold and detached from me. I do't think she could trust me anymore. The last time we communicated was at the end of April and the relationship just sort of died. We communicated once after you called her on Thursday and cursed her out and threatened to expose her again. She called you crazy and I defended you, told her that I had hurt you and betrayed you again and that your reaction was expected in the setting of deep pain.
2. Did you have sex with her on my birthday? (This has been a weird obsessive thought going through my head) No, we only had sex one time at the beginning of April and then she appeared to be turned off by me. While we still "dated" it wasn't the same and she wasn't the same. It became awkward at the end.
While we were only supposed to talk for an hour it ended up going over 5 hours. (mostly because my WH was talking and I was validating and really trying to hear him. Initially he started with blame shifting and defensiveness but within an hour of validating and 180ing (I did not show my temper and did not try to argue with his words) he started pouring out all his fears, thoughts, pain and deep, deep guilt and shame. He admitted he was incredibly selfish and that he wanted his cake and eat it too, as in having two women in his life. He had noticed a shift in me in May (while I applying DBing techniques) and felt he needed to let me go because he knew he was being utterly unfair to me. However he never wanted to divorce me and was really struggling with the way OW made him feel good versus the immense amount of work he would have to do if he wanted to save our marriage.
He said while he never compared me and OW per se, he did find qualities in her that I do not have. (At this point I had to practically sit on my face to STFU.) He described her as vulnerable and somewhat needy. He made all decisions with regards to where they went and what they did. He felt needed by her and felt protective. He admits that he views me as a very strong and confident woman and that he often felt unloved and unneeded.
Honestly she came across as empty to me when he described her, he did not know what her desires and interests were, she appeared to be content letting him make all the decisions and overlaying his opinions onto her. But the point wasn't for me to judge and tell him my thoughts on her but to hear what he found in her and why he was continually drawn to her.
For about 85% of the conversation he spoke. He eventually told me he thought our marriage was doomed because he was so drawn to this OW and he again betrayed me after promising he wouldn't cheat again. He now thinks there is something wrong with him and he is struggling to know what to do to fix it. I gently suggested that he made need to find someone he can talk to about his inner struggles. He said he felt he couldn't really talk to someone like he could talk to me but that he knew it was unfair to expect support and counsel from the person he wounded. He wanted to know what my plans were for our marriage. Ia was frank and told him I was not sure. I told him I was taking care of myself and would continue to take care of my kids. I did tell him about the coaching sessions and he said it obviously had helped me immensely. He said he had noticed a change in me, I was more like my old self when our relationship was young. He asked if he could pay for my next package of sessions because he thinks it would continue to help me and maybe even us.
There was so much more but I would be typing for hours if I tried to replay everything. Suffice it to say I didn't go to bed until 3 am but I feel okay. I am not expecting anything from WH. I will still depend on myself and my support group and not put any stock into his words and promises. Only time and observed behavior will tell. But I will say my gut feels very calm. I think he may be coming out of the fog and hopefully coming to the point where he can begin working on himself. No matter what happens to our marriage I will be okay.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Btw, your H has given you a big clue. He likes how you were when you were younger. He needs words of affirmation and respect from you. Have you read the 5 love languages, Love and Respect, and After the Affair?
They will help in your sitch.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I have read the 5 Love Languages but not the other two. I will look into those. Thank you for the suggestion, JksD.
WH came to me this morning and asked how IC sessoin went yesterday. (I was getting ready for work) I am not sure I should have been honest but I was. I told him my IC was concerned that WH still could not give an assurance of fidelity. (he said if OW approaches him he would consider starting their relationship again and would let me know instead of sneaking behind my back) I wasn't sure how to react to that since frankly there isn't anything I can do to stop him from acting on his desires. My IC said this is almost abusive because WH knows how much this hurts me but appears to have no insight into his own responsibility as a husband to not cheat. WH became defensive when I said this and again went over all the reasons he cheated. (ie., he didn't feel loved, he felt physically starved for affection) I tried to listen and validate but I fumbled a lot. I told him I also felt unloved and unappreciated in our marriage but did not think to go outside our marriage. I told him I felt utterly disrespected and objectified, even said I felt simply like a hole for a penis to him. He got angry and said I was being disrespectful. I backed off but told him these were my feelings. I felt like if I couldn't make him "happy" all the time then what would stop him from simply cheating again? I told him he needs to consider talking to someone about why he seeks to fulfill his "emptiness" through other people. WH says he doesn't think he needs a counselor and that he would simply not talk if he went to one.
I was crying and feeling very stupid for even opening up to him because he is not capable of being empathetic of even listening to me. He simply becomes defensive and attacks his perceived "shortcomings" he sees in me as a wife. He still will not truly take responsibility for his cheating and justifies it in his mind. I went to work really upset.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
