Being there to help v going dark:balance

[EDF]

I'm still slogging through this DB process myself, but wanted to add what thoughts I could in case others weren't able to give feedback before you find yourself needing to handle things.

As you mentioned, you're very likely correct that W was nice because she wanted something. She wants to cake eat... to have the kids when she wants them and to pawn them off to you whenever she wants to live the single life.

The general rule of thumb is to not enable the W in her behaviors, but it gets a little fuzzier when kids are involved. As long as the kids are safe/not being neglected, my recollection is most would recommend you not being available this weekend and letting her figure out her kid-sitting solution. Keep it upbeat/positive when you deliver the news, but yea unfortunately you already have plans. (Be aware that she may get nasty and try to demean your adequacy as father to try and browbeat you into caving. Stay confident.)

Sure, she may just dump the kids to her parents, but that's not a bad thing. She is not offering you the kids to be nice, she is offering them to you because she views it as her least-uncomfortable solution.

Regarding the family party situation, I would seriously consider going even if she asks you not to, since it sounds like something you individually would still be invited to/welcome at. All of the DB behaviors: detaching, keeping it light & breezy, GAL, etc can also be applied in the context of a social get-together, and with the W walking away it's no longer your job to contort yourself to help her avoid uncomfortable situations. Avoid orbiting her and focus on enjoying the quality time with the kids and the other guests and being the best Surfer you can be.