Wife has EA. OM is business acquaintance, married with 2 girls roughly the same age as mine. His wife doesn't know. W was remorseful at first, but quickly blamed me for everything and is no longer remorseful. I have confronted them and both said they would stop (I know OM too). I was very nervous about D at first (and went through a month where I did all the "wrong" things). We went to a few counseling sessions but stopped because W started every session by saying she is not ready to work on M. I have since done 180 (exercised, dropped 20 lbs and got noticeably ripped; quitted drinking completely, go to church regularly, increased patience with everyone, reconciled with my in-laws, not asking W of anything, read tons of materials on marriage/affairs/reconciliation) and even owned up to my share of the marriage deterioration (we both did our typical part to damage the relationship, and she is probably a WAW already before the EA). W noticed my changes but said "too little too late" and said she doesn't trust the changes. The last time we discussed, W said she will focus on kids and job and will stop contact, but I just found out they haven't. I didn't believe she would anyway... We originally agreed to a 3 month cool-off period where we would not talk about divorce, but I envisioned there would be no contact in the 3 month which has not been honored. We never set a hard date for the 3-month, but it should be coming up at the beginning of July. W still planning on short and long term family things (summer vacation; home renovations) as if she wants to stay married. We talk daily but not about our own relationship.
The forgiveness was there for W to take and I only wanted to move forward to build a stronger M for our girls to see (W knows that). But with the EA still going on (behind my back) there is no moving forward. I honestly feel I am in every way (physically, intellectually, emotionally and spiritually) a better person than when we first got married. On top of that, there is no one in the world (including W) who would not say I am a great father to my girls -- they completely love/adore me. But I think I am at the point where I will be the one to file for D since EA is not stopping. It pains me so much that I may have to be the one to rock their world. I want so much to save my marriage and family. There is a side of me (including my spiritual side) that urges me to have patient endurance and keep holding out hope a little longer. The other side of me say give-up, that W no longer deserves me, that I have repent for my part of the issues and the continuation of the EA is all on her and shows her lack of character -- that my girls will be ok. W has always been headstrong and liked me because I was tolerant and patient. Over the years as she blamed me more, I became less tolerant and less patient. Now I know how I should react in marriage but I don't think W will improve. I continue to pray for guidance but D seems inevitable.
----- Me: 41; W: 42 M: 11 D9 and D5 EA discovered 3/9/2016
