Moving on

[Painter]

Phoebe, I think when I don't have contact with him, I'm not so under his spell, so all the bad things he has done comes to the surface without contradiction from his mixed messages. I noticed the same thing when I was living there and he was away on business trips. I would get angrier and angrier while he was gone, but it would all evaporate the moment he walked in through the door.

I can't explain what it is about him. An acupuncturist friend of mine said that he has incredibly strong chi - she had never treated anyone with that kind of life force before. I know that he hasn't been without a GF or wife since he was 14... and I'm wife #5, so although he's not what you consider traditionally handsome, he definitely knows how to attract and win over women. I wasn't attracted to him initially, but he won me over with persistence and charm, and I married him because I felt he was such a kind and generous person who appreciated me for who I am.

And I know I'm still hoping that he will suddenly change into the person he used to be, and say that it was all a huge mistake and of course we belong together. It's just a few months since we had a reconciliation where he behaved like the perfect partner - for about 48 hours.

I'm just having a really hard time accepting what's going on. I'm committed and tenacious, and at this point that trait may also be working against me.

I have mostly been working today, there's a lot to do for the organization I work from home for. I went to an interesting lunch meeting about getting into a corporate wellness program as a provider.

It was a good and productive day - until I was typing in an address and it was for a city that H regularly goes to for business. For some reason, it felt like someone sucked the air out of my lungs and I just started sobbing. It was such a trigger, and so unexpected.

I've recovered now, but it's not a good day and I hope to sleep well so I'm better tomorrow.