Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Phoebe]

Today I spent the day at home or close by, and I was pretty darn productive. With some help from my father I got my riding mower deck rebuilt and put back on the lawn tractor (It's pretty bulky for one person to do themselves). While we were out working on that, the guy who has been doing scrap metal clean-up stopped by and helped us, too.

My Dad may not be particularly empathetic, and may say some things that make me shake my head, but he's always been there for me, and has helped and supported me so much over the years. He's a huge reason that I am who I am - he never told me that I couldn't do whatever I set my mind to and never treated me like a "girl." He taught me to run power tools and to swing a hammer and drive large equipment and to be confident that I could handle almost any projects myself, be it mechanical, electrical, plumbing, or tiling.

The scrap guy is super nice and helpful, too, and I always like seeing him. He helped me and my dad get the brush hog all put back together, so my tractor is now fully functional again. YEAH!! I talked to him for quite a while after my father took off.

I spent the evening putting my riding mower to work by mowing a walking path through my fields. By this time of year the grass can be shoulder high in some places, so now I don't have to wade through the grass anymore. It's really nice to have my equipment up and running again! Now all I'm missing is the push mower I blew up!

So, it was a pretty good day in my world. I did spend a fair amount of time doing legal stuff, and I have a lot more to work on tomorrow, but things are progressing slowly. I STILL have yet to be served with papers from H. It's insane. These process servers are remarkably incompetent (probably because they are underpaid), considering I was home most of the day.

SparrowHawk, the SledgeHammer, thank you for your long post yesterday. We were typing at the same time again, and I didn't see it for a while.

I agree that acceptance is the only way to move forward, and most days I do think that I am making progress on this front. It remains a two step forward, one step back process sometimes, though. Some days the feelings of confusion and wanting to wake up from the bad dream just sneak back in, though it happens less frequently than it used to, by a lot. I just acknowledge them, like I do my other feelings and emotions, and try to get through it.

Sunday was just a tough day. Bad news in the world, tough love from family and friends, and the weekend sadness. Feeling better today though. It was an absolutely beautiful day, and I got to spend most of it outside. My land is so beautiful and I am so lucky to be here and be able to enjoy it.

I wish that I had one friend that would come and enjoy it as much as I do. So far, everyone seems to enjoy it most from standing in the mowed yard, rather than out walking the fields and woods with me. Granted, most of my previous friends and my family are a good bit older than me or their health/condition precludes their traipsing over hill and dale with me, but I really miss having someone to share it with. My new, physically active friends are city folk, and don't seem interested in making the drive out here. I need to find someone willing to leave the city on occasion who also likes to walk, or hike, or snowshoe, or ski. Maybe my new hiking friend would like to come out and bird with me?

I really like the quotes you shared, SH, and I particularly like the Tupac quote! It is time to move the f*ck on.

I hope that everyone gets a good night's sleep.