A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

Lou - good to hear from you! Thank you for stopping by. Wonderful and sweet advice, don't worry, I haven't forgotten about me. I continue to feel focused and strong. Emotions are not leading me on my journey right now. Wisdom, reality and strength are.

Cali - exhausted is an understatement! Throw in hormones, body changes and the guilt, the tremendous guilt, of leaving a helpless child with strangers in daycare to go to work all day, it was some of the most painful and difficult times of my life. Never having had much of a support system, it was a nightmare for me. When I got home from work, I couldn't get enough time with my baby. When I snuggled with S at night to go to sleep, all was well in my world. H is absolutely correct about him being put on the back burner, I just wish he could understand why. It wasn't because of him or anything he did or didn't do. In fact, it had nothing to do with him. I was not prepared at all for the challenges that came with having a child. And you are very right, along with the masses. I see the link to his childhood loud and clear.

Our talk continues to sink in. One thing I have learned in life is the importance of perception, and that is my main focus right now. H opened up more than I have ever seen. I went into our conversation prepared to agree to separate permanently and pick holidays. Instead, H, not me, but H turned it into him missing us and wanting to see things work out, but scared it would all be the same. Not in those exact words, but I could feel the desire and fear in him for our family. I see this as a big step. It is a tremendous struggle for H to open up and express honest feelings.

Because of the amazing people here and lessons I have learned, I was able to make it a safe place for him to vent.

Now, on to the reality of the situation. H still has quite a ways to go. Until I saw him change, and saw proof that he has learned and changed as I have, there is no doubt our marriage would go right back to the place it was. I am fully aware of that and figure that could take months or years. In fact, I don't see anything really changing much anytime soon, which is ok with me.

I have been so closed off with H, but after talking, I feel it's time to soften a bit. I feel friendship is key right now. All in all, I feel a little more clarity of how much this time has been a gift and continues to be. I am still very unsure of the outcome, I continue to not see myself happy with H, nor do I see myself able to meet his expectations. But I do see myself moving along as I have been and am willing to see how H evolves on his own journey. I feel we are finally on the right path towards some answers.

In the meantime, life moves on. Meditation has become a huge necessity for me and part of my nighttime routine. Peace is inside all of us, please take the time to connect with it. Time with friends is priceless. My S is stuck in summer camp, which he hates, but because I work so close to him with amazing co-workers, I am able to pick him up and bring him to my office for the last few hours each day. THAT is HUGE for us. So, life is good.

Big hugs to you all.