My wife walked out 2

[Sotto]

Letters are generally not felt to be a good idea....by all means write one to get how you are feeling out - but don't send it to her. Burn it, rip it up or store it away - whatever feels right for you....

[cbtdad]

There will come a time for a letter one way or the other. Now is now that time. Cnut gave you some give advice. It's not your responsibility to make sure she is being the a good mother. All you can do is be the best father you can be. You can't control or dictate what she does.
You need to do your best to detach right now. The less info you give her the better it will be for you in the whole scheme of your situation.
Look I know its tough. I was your age and son was your sons age when we first separated. I understand how tough it is with the, at that age
hang in there
You are doing great

[RSG]

CBT, Sotto thanks.

Sotto, always nice to get the viewpoint of a woman. I was thinking it was a bad idea to give to her, but a good one to work through things in my head and compose my thoughts. And then dump it. Lol.

CBT, thank you so much for the encouragement. I know I'm going to have bad days, but I have had such a positive one today. I spoke to her sparingly, offered encouragement and validated her feelings the couple times we did text, and we just visited a preschool. We took the tour, and agreed that it just isn't the place for S. It was also the first time since she left that I felt confident in myself, showed it on the outside, was able to walk away when things were over and STILL felt pretty good. I sense in my heart that, not only do I feel good about the direction I'm going, but that I was going to go down with the ship and not give up.

I'm feeling positive. Feeling good about me, who I am, and what I deserve. It was the first time she seemed normal too, but I didn't get suckered into trying to talk to her or get sentimental. It's definitely been a day to build on.

[RSG]

So, we just toured another preschool. This time, we were both blown away and it looks great. Again, we came to the same decision organically. WW was normal again, and is still very attractive to me. I didn't do anything I shouldn't have, and when our discussion was over I said bye and didn't look back. All I could think about was Cadet's post......that it takes at least 9 months to even decide to work it out and another 4 (because we've been married about 4 years) to work out the kinks. Will I even want this is in a year plus? Ugh.

I've had another positive day overall. I contacted her very little, other than scheduling info and discussing the school. Now that I think about it, because S is with my parents I think she's in a little better mood. I'm still very positive, and think I'm showing some of the changes already. I know I need to keep working, keep doing the things I need to and keep the focus on what I can do.

[RSG]

Not much to report today. WW called me at 7. The subject was the date we were going to set for S trial visit to new preschool, but she also told me the car's check engine light came on and she has to get that addressed. Car is in my name, and birthday is in a couple weeks. Conversation kept going, about her job, annoying parents, etc. I validated her concerns, and she finally asked about me for a little.

Only time I've contacted her is to confirm I told preschool we're on for next Thursday for S visit.

WW seems to miss me, and miss talking to me. At least more than she did last month lol. Not sure what that means, but I feel like today is another positive step forward for me.

[RSG]

BUMP

[RSG]

Well, a little bit of a breakthrough.

I didn't talk to WW yesterday from 7AM until 7PM. She texted about how S was doing, and I said just spoke to him and loved his haircut. She got upset and asked why I didn't consult her about a haircut first. My normal response would have been to say calm down, it's just a haircut! This would've blown her top. Instead, I thought about it and said yes I should have consulted. She was still angry, and I explained myself more fully by saying I apologized for not including her. She said it's ok, just please include me in the future. We talked more about him, his day, his behavior with my parents, etc. I thought that was the end of it.

This morning, she calls at 7AM and apologizes for being so angry but that it made her feel like she wasn't his parent. I validated and said now I know that this crosses the line from a mundane thing like "what color shorts should he wear" to something more important for her. She thanked me, talked about her day, noted my Father's Day gift would come in a week and again asked me what I'm doing this weekend.

Some of you are thinking DOORMAT! and I'll admit from the outside it may look this way. However, it's a complete 180 for me. 3 mos ago I would've said it's no big deal just calm down....and a huge argument would ensue. I stopped, looked at it from her point of view and validated her concern. And my W is not someone to throw around apologies. I know it's a baby step, and to her it was just a positive step in so-called "coparenting" but for me it was huge. I not only learned a new technique, but I used it and nothing but positivity came from it. Which means, it's definitely something I need to keep working on and make a habit of!

I started reading DR again last night from my new POV, and it's like an entirely different book. Instead of "saving my marriage" I'm reading it like I'm getting myself ready for my marriage again. I see myself entirely differently and want to change into ME 2.0

Stringing together these positive days has been great. I'm finally beginning to see what people have been talking about, what my journey is and what I want to improve on.

[sandi2]

I told her she wants me to do H things, but not be my W.

You have just defined the WW's idea of friendship with her H.

[Coconut]

She got upset and asked why I didn't consult her about a haircut first. My normal response would have been to say calm down, it's just a haircut! This would've blown her top. Instead, I thought about it and said yes I should have consulted. She was still angry, and I explained myself more fully by saying I apologized for not including her.

Normal response of "calm down" - not good
New response of "yes I should have consulted" - not good (doormat'ish)
A haircut is not a life altering event for a toddler, you are his father, you do not need to consult with her about a $15 haircut that will grow back in a few weeks.

Didn't you just agree less than a week ago that she doesn't get to be part of "your" family, she left it. I think a better response would be; I can see your upset about this, but he is my son and I didn't want his hair getting to long (in his eyes, start curling, etc. whatever the reason).

This morning, she calls at 7AM and apologizes for being so angry but that it made her feel like she wasn't his parent. I validated and said now I know that this crosses the line from a mundane thing like "what color shorts should he wear" to something more important for her.

Did she apologize for having a R with OM? who cares if she got angry about a haircut. She is still his parent, but not part of the family. A haircut is mundane, so is the color of his shorts, so is what he eats for lunch, so is what color toy you buy him..

Some of you are thinking DOORMAT! and I'll admit from the outside it may look this way.

Yep!!!

However, it's a complete 180 for me. 3 mos ago I would've said it's no big deal just calm down....and a huge argument would ensue.

Don't 180 into a doormat, 180's are for you to be a better you, not to make it easier for her to walk all over you. How to communicate with others is a good 180, agreeing with everything rather than make them upset, not a good 180.

I stopped, looked at it from her point of view and validated her concern. And my W is not someone to throw around apologies. I know it's a baby step, and to her it was just a positive step in so-called "coparenting" but for me it was huge. I not only learned a new technique, but I used it and nothing but positivity came from it. Which means, it's definitely something I need to keep working on and make a habit of!

Worry about positive steps in co-parenting if you get D, right now it's about showing her that you and your son are still a family, you are still his Father, and you will still do family and father stuff.

Just my humble opinion RSG, I just think that being afraid of making her upset is not where you want to go. She is having an A, do you think she is afraid to make you upset? Stand tall/strong/fair, don't do something to hurt her, but if she gets upset about something that's on her, not you.

[cbtdad]

Thanks for posting that Sandi
That's exactly how I feel things are with my WAW at the moment