Being there to help v going dark:balance

[doodler]

In short am I kidding myself - am I still being too available?

Surfer,

I don't know if you're being too available or not; I'm not very good at the DB stuff.

But, I did want to say that every time I see your user name, I think of the turtle in "Finding Nemo." That's the turtle that says, "Grab shell dude!"

Do you surf? If so, are you like one of those wimpy Florida surfers (I'm a Floridian) or do you do the gnarly stuff on the North Shore?

Of course, you used the word "whilst" and that suggests that maybe you're in colder waters.

[Cadet]

Merged together your two threads as it is best to stay on one until you reach 100 posts.

[Surfer]

Doodler - neither actually. Too cold to surf where I am - name just came from an CB handle from the 1970's. Weird!!!

Take care.

[Surfer]

Thanks Cadet. Done DB, DR came through today - time to read!!!

[Surfer]

To follow up on what darkness said, YOU must submit the schedule that conforms to your availability/wants. If she doesn't like it, then you can try to accommodate.

So in terms of setting a Schedule its early days but you are right. Week to Week would be good for now. Then get a routine.

On another point, what about calling to see how the kids did at swimming etc. I am struggling with distancing - I want to see how they have done but partly there is some 'anxiety' and 'need' driving the desire to call. However, I guess if I just say can I speak to the kids and don't engage with WAW does that work or should I leave it for a few days. I am seeing them in the morning in any event.....I am sure you have been there.

[betterm]

Hey Surfer. I'm sorry you're going through this. You've come to a great place for help, though. I don't have kids so my case is quite a bit different from yours. Hopefully one of the vets with kiddo experience swing by, but I think the best advice I've seen, and agree to so far, is that you need to get that schedule straightened out ASAP. The sooner you get that done, the sooner you can start to stop worrying so much about WW, and focus on yourself. You don't want to be drug around and doing things based on her schedule alone.

I made the mistake at the beginning to work off my WW's schedule, and it was horrible. I was constantly being made 'available', and that's just not what we need in a time like this.

I don't think calling the kids to get updates on their activities is a bad thing, but I'm not the expert when it comes to kiddo scenarios (again). But you're right, in thinking, that if you do call, you ask immediately for the kids, and then talk to them directly, and there's really no reason for them to even hand the phone back to mom before you hang up. is there?

[doodler]

Surfer,

If I'm not physically present with my wife, then I try to restrict my communication to texting. If I'm physically present with her (dropping-off kids or at an event for the kids) then I'll generally talk with her briefly and cordially. I usually wait for her to start the interaction, whether it's texting or verbal.

My sons, 11 and 13, are a little older than your children and they have their own cell phone. When I want to call or text them, I do that at my convenience. Because of the age of your children, yes, I'd just ask to speak to your children when you call. She may try to engage, and that's ok, but keep it short. It's not just important for detachment; anytime you talk to her there's potential for a bad interaction because emotions are raw.

[Surfer]

Thank you doodler and betterm.

I can see it helps with detachment but I am sure long term not talking can't be good can it? I am right in that you just do this until communication improves I hope and then work at the relationship to communicate better and build bonds? Of course if communication never becomes better - might as well stay detached?

[MoveFrwd]

Of course if communication never becomes better - might as well stay detached?

Hmmmm...have you read the thread on detachment? That might be a good place to start.

[doodler]

I can see it helps with detachment but I am sure long term not talking can't be good can it? I am right in that you just do this until communication improves I hope and then work at the relationship to communicate better and build bonds? Of course if communication never becomes better - might as well stay detached.

I agonized with the same issue at first; it seemed like the lack of communication would ultimately cause further damage and a wider gulf to span upon reconciliation. That may be true in certain cases, but most of us have what Sandi calls a "wayward wife" (WW). A WW usually attempts to keep the husband on the hook as Plan B and they have prodigious skills when it comes to doing that. In addition, giving them space, both physically and emotionally, allows the WW to have an opportunity to reflect and, with any luck, begin to feel a sense of loss and longing.