I have no idea what “comping” is, but it sounds like she keeps active and tries to get a life of her own. Have you asked her if there is something she would like the two of you to do together? Is there any chance she uses the kids to avoid you? This brings to mind a book I read, that I have mentioned a few times. One thing the book mentioned is that “love avoiders” may become “love addicts” with someone else, like the kids, to avoid their spouse. Here’s and excerpt of a comment I made to Honeypot:
Quote:
Here is another angle, a topic I found interesting and made comments about in other threads. It is from the book "Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love --The Love Connection to Codependence" by Pia Mellody. Here's a website that refers to her work:
Both talk about a special subset of codependence they call the “Love Addict” and the “Love Avoider”. These two are responses to different childhood problems of abandonment. Could your longing for your husband also include this need for affirmation from him (implying you are the love addict), or do you think it is only biological? He on the other hand sounds like an avoider (like many men). The theory is that this too is a defense mechanism, out of fear on engulfment. This means that as an “abandoned” child, a dominant figure overloaded the child with too much emotional responsibility and stress. So withdrawing becomes the natural reaction.
But love avoiders will experience abandonment fears if the love addict stops pursuing them. This seems so contrary to the image they put forth. The avoider will also divert from the addict by himself becoming addicted to something else, like the kids, work or hobbies.
And by the way, couldn’t you two find a way to lessen her shopping just enough to pay for counseling every other week?
