You have been sleeping on your brother’s couch for more than a month and put through a major ordeal. Meanwhile your wife has been living at your house, with full access to bank accounts, driving around in your car. With you change to her existing lifestyle except you are not there anymore. It is time that she ‘gets some skin in the game’, in other words - she starts feeling what it would be like if you two were to divorce.
Specifically, my lawyer suggests that it would be entirely appropriate if I withdraw money from our shared business account to pay my brother ‘rent’. It would also be appropriate if I withdraw money from our shared business account to pay for legal fees - and, later, to put a deposit down on a new apartment for myself. It’s time that she starts feeling the divorce financially, basically.
I text her - ‘I will be withdrawing $1000 from our shared business account to pay my brother rent, I’ll label these transactions in the bank account’. So far, no response to this text. She probably won’t be pleased.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I am so glad she is talking to you. Mine won't even do that. You might actually even be able to save your marriage, I guess your wife is not as crazy as mine, lucky you. I hope things improve, keeps us updated.
Hugs, Claudio
Thanks for the words of encouragement, Claudio. I really hope for the best for you and your family. Yes our relationship seems to have improved quickly - but we'll see what she says today when I start withdrawing money from our shared bank accounts.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
My wife promised my sons new airsoft guns at the end of the school year. She didn't ask for my input on that decision. When the end of the school year arrived she told my sons to get me to buy the the airsoft guns. I did and I paid out of the joint account.
She hit the roof when she found out that I'd paid from the joint account. She said that money was to pay for charges on our joint credit card. (I'm sure she charged a lot of her moving expenses to that card.) I told her I'd pay for anything I'd bought with that card, all she had to do was bring me the itemized bill. She never brought me the itemized bill -- not a surprise.
I think maybe the two impulses of wanting to reconcile and wanting to protect myself may be conflicting.
I dont see how these are conflicting at all. Are you suggesting that the only way to reconcile is by -NOT- protecting yourself? That doesnt really make any sense.
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
I wrote down my short term goals according to the DR book: -more friendlier and relaxed interactions with my wife over text messages and phone -more in person interactions between me and my wife -continue with no pursuing behaviors to build trust
This is a pretty good start. How about your other goals for yourself? These are all relate to the chance of getting your wife to turn around. What about the goals about things that would attract her to you once she does turn around?
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
On Tues., I gave her a small birthday present of movie tickets. ‘Take the kids and have fun, happy birthday’ I said. I got a note of thanks.
Hmmm. I have a hard time NOT seeing this as pursuit.
Originally Posted By: qt4x11
I text her - ‘I will be withdrawing $1000 from our shared business account to pay my brother rent, I’ll label these transactions in the bank account’.
Blech. I wish you would have posted here first. Lawyers are very important, and you certainly need to protect yourself. By the same token, their interest is in getting the best "deal" for you that they can. They are not interested in busting your divorce. Just because something is "appropriate" does not mean it will help you to achieve your goals.
I agree that its ridiculous that you are sleeping on a couch and shes living scot-free at home. Thats why it's instructed to never leave the house - it's a lot harder to get back in once youre out. Now that there's the legal action, you certainly cant just barge your way in the door.
But I cant imagine that this action is going to help you. Seriously, youre claiming that you need to pay your brother $1000 for a month of sleeping on a couch? You could have rented your own place for practically that much. How is she going to take that as anything but trying to "get back at her"? Can you show where that $1000 number comes from? Is it broken down by shares of utilities, food, etc? Otherwise, it feels like an incredibly arbitrary (and large) amount.
But I cant imagine that this action is going to help you. Seriously, youre claiming that you need to pay your brother $1000 for a month of sleeping on a couch? You could have rented your own place for practically that much. How is she going to take that as anything but trying to "get back at her"? Can you show where that $1000 number comes from? Is it broken down by shares of utilities, food, etc? Otherwise, it feels like an incredibly arbitrary (and large) amount.
Well, I guess that supports my contention that I'm terrible at DB. I thought the lawyer had a good idea, I guess not.
But I cant imagine that this action is going to help you. Seriously, youre claiming that you need to pay your brother $1000 for a month of sleeping on a couch? You could have rented your own place for practically that much. How is she going to take that as anything but trying to "get back at her"? Can you show where that $1000 number comes from? Is it broken down by shares of utilities, food, etc? Otherwise, it feels like an incredibly arbitrary (and large) amount.
Well, I guess that supports my contention that I'm terrible at DB. I thought the lawyer had a good idea, I guess not.
I think the idea is correct, but the execution is a little tough.
Maybe I'm being naive but I have trouble seeing where this $1000 is coming from. You can rent a fairly decent apartment for $1000. QT is sleeping on a relative's couch.
Now, if you wanted to go out and rent an apartment, I think thats perfectly valid. But to just take an arbitrarily large sum of money to "pay your brother" feels to me like nothing but "payback".
My wife promised my sons new airsoft guns at the end of the school year. She didn't ask for my input on that decision. When the end of the school year arrived she told my sons to get me to buy the the airsoft guns. I did and I paid out of the joint account.
She hit the roof when she found out that I'd paid from the joint account. She said that money was to pay for charges on our joint credit card. (I'm sure she charged a lot of her moving expenses to that card.) I told her I'd pay for anything I'd bought with that card, all she had to do was bring me the itemized bill. She never brought me the itemized bill -- not a surprise.
Yeah he seems very confident that 'this is a clear cut 50 50 case, that I will not have to give up kids and depending on the evaluation of the business I may not have to pay much alimony or give up the house'. He is expensive, though.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
This is a pretty good start. How about your other goals for yourself? These are all relate to the chance of getting your wife to turn around. What about the goals about things that would attract her to you once she does turn around?
Well I've been pretty much working on myself in various ways since this mess started, I think I've written about it here but not specifically in terms of goals. These are the things I've been doing
-Continue to go to 12 step meetings daily, priority is total sobriety -No lying from now on - even about little things - this is my policy from now on and I believe would be the best thing I could do to improve my character and personal integrity -Continue to focus on my job, in fact - immerse myself in my job so that my career continues to move forward at this time -Monitor my diet (important since I live now with my brother who eats like a pig) -Some form of cardio at least 4-5 times a week, walking or running -Weight lifting full body workout at least 3 times a week -Reach out to friends and family, 12 step sponsors, my therapist regularly for help -Go out with friends as much as possible -Journal writing every day -Mindful meditation every day -Start playing guitar again, once I get my guitar back -Read books
btw- darknes thank you for your feedback through all of this. Your advice is always tough, but objective, and also action oriented. Best to you.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Now, if you wanted to go out and rent an apartment, I think thats perfectly valid.
Yes my lawyer suggested to start looking for an apartment as well. The money for the deposit and rent will come out of our shared accounts in the same way.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Blech. I wish you would have posted here first. Lawyers are very important, and you certainly need to protect yourself. By the same token, their interest is in getting the best "deal" for you that they can. They are not interested in busting your divorce. Just because something is "appropriate" does not mean it will help you to achieve your goals.
I agree that its ridiculous that you are sleeping on a couch and shes living scot-free at home. Thats why it's instructed to never leave the house - it's a lot harder to get back in once youre out. Now that there's the legal action, you certainly cant just barge your way in the door.
But I cant imagine that this action is going to help you. Seriously, youre claiming that you need to pay your brother $1000 for a month of sleeping on a couch? You could have rented your own place for practically that much. How is she going to take that as anything but trying to "get back at her"? Can you show where that $1000 number comes from? Is it broken down by shares of utilities, food, etc? Otherwise, it feels like an incredibly arbitrary (and large) amount.
Well, a couple of things. I mentioned to my DB coach that I will start withdrawing money for: 'rent' for my brother, lawyer fees, and eventually deposit and rent for a new apartment. The rent for my brother is only the first of these. I do not feel it's fair to him to have to put up with me sleeping on his couch for so long, he's been so good to me I'd like to pay him back. This is onlly temporary as I will be looking for a rental for myself soon. My DB coach agreed that I could do this - and when I tell her, do not ask her if it is ok but just inform her it will be happening out of courtesy.
btw-I have not actually done this yet, was planning to do this today.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
