Some days are better than others

[EDF]

Well, I can't sleep so I might as well briefly note tonight's events.

WW and I had a confrontation of sorts. We were lying in bed; I was trying to sleep and she was on her ipad for quite a while lighting up the room and making it difficult for me to fall asleep. I look over and see she is writing a naughty short story.

It's pretty explicit and I figure she's writing it for OM, although I just saw bits and pieces.

I sit there debating internally what to do... got very anxious, fidgeting nervously, felt I needed to do *something* to call her on it, to stand up for myself, whatever.

I ended up telling her I glanced over and saw she was writing another naughty story, and I'm guessing she is writing it for OM. I tell her I am not OK with that - her writing a story for him while lying in bed next to me - and she will have to sleep in the other room. She says 'no', she's staying and I can leave if I want. I
say I'm not leaving.

She starts complaining about me peeking and feeling "she can't trust me and always is worrying I am going to hack her ipad", but says she "has been leaving it out rather than hiding it and trying to trust me". She says the story isn't about him and her, doesn't have any names and is just generic, etc. She tries to make me feel guilty, etc.

I recognize the standard WW tactics, and feel I do a decent job of not caving. We end up having a pretty long conversation. I manage to turn a bunch of her protestations back on her, by telling her to imagine if she was in my shoes, and saw her writing a story like that after she cheated on me, and knowing she had not broken off contact with OM, what would she think?

That turns out to be surprisingly effective. She actually admits that yes she would have thought the same thing. I use that tactic a number of times during our running conversation when she is trying to deflect/etc, and she does actually seem to be picturing things from my perspective when prompted. She still expresses a number of feelings during the conversation, and I try to listen and validate the feelings where it seems reasonable.

I mention a couple times that if the story is that generic, I'm surprised she doesn't just show it to me to prove her point. She defers, she says she could but it's private, she says I'm biased and am going to read into it too much, she says she's worried, I'll judge her writing negatively because I'm better at everything.

She tries telling me she'll "think about it", or offers to read it to me. I tell her I won't make her show it to me, but again use the spiel of how would she feel about that if our roles were reversed and she caught me writing erotica about a woman after getting caught cheating. Would she perhaps think I was trying to edit the story?

She ends up, all teary eyed, giving me the ipad. I read it. It's generic in the sense of no names, but the woman in the story definitely sounds like WW. The man is non-descript. Internally I'm pretty confident it was being written for OM, but other than the soft evidence like all her deflecting there's no smoking gun.

So that thread kinda dies off. I choose to not double-down, but try to not take back my vocalized suspicions either. I reiterate that I'm sure she can understand why I would be concerned at the story after going through everything I have. She vents a bit more, I just listen, it's late and things just kinda peter out. Neither of us are falling asleep. I leave to go for a walk.

I'm conflicted. I feel like overall I handled the situation ok once it was going. But I don't like how I pulled the trigger so fast. The physical symptoms I was having and the strong urge to act... I feel like I wish I would've thought it through/planned more. I feel like I acted from a place of emotion.

The other shitty thing is she's asked me to not come to our upcoming out-of-town Martial Arts event, and claims she will drive separately. I told her I need to be there for the team and I've earned the right to be there and will be going. But it stings. I feel like my reactions were reasonable, but at the same time if she doesn't perform well at the event now she will have an even easier time blaming me for "distracting her". And I don't look forward to spending several days near her under the gaze of the rest of the team if she decides to be an [censored] the whole time and make it super awkward. I wish the timing could have been different.

At this point I guess I just need to return to GAL/DB. Light & Breezy. Focus on helping the team and stay civil/polite to WW as if she was any other random person. I hope she's able to do similar so the weekend isn't a complete fiasco. Sigh.