I feel for you currently as I too have been re-triggered within the last few days with not only guilt but shame.
Old demons of being unworthy and undeserving of love, because of how I may have treated goregous Mr S. He has been nothing but loving and kind, in my complete emotional over-reaction to the shame and guilt of potentially treating him poorly. He says I didn't treat him poorly and that he understands the over-reaction. I am blessed.
It is challenging to feel yourself getting pulled back into old ways of feeling. I have fallen into a depression, feeling overwhelmed by behaviours that I believed I had overcome.
You are right Lady V we are revisiting places to in someway prove to ourselves that we are not worthy of moving forward to a happier and lighter place.
Lady V, others forced us to procure these views of ourselves. They are not ours to own. I resent feeling that I should own them. However I self-flagellate this too.
Mr S wants me to trust, to trust him that he is different from my previous partners, from my father and to trust myself that I am different, even though feelings of happiness, love and connection are huge triggers to the shame, guilt and fear of losing it all over again fill me with.
Mr S is asking me to patient with him, he asks more however that I am patient with myself, while I learn to let go of the past and learn to find happiness now and into my future. He tells me there is no rush to be comfortable with the new, that I can take my time.
He is kind for sure. But I am done with feeling the shame and guilt at a time when I should be feeling more freedom and happiness. I feel like I am being ungrateful and spoiled to not be revelling in him and us.
I am not really sure what I am trying to convey Lady V. Only likely that I view myself as someone more than able to check my stuff and move through it, and yet here I am feeling like I am starting at the beginning, and this time the trigger was not the loss of someone, but the potential of having someone.
Maybe its just the gift of time Lady V, that we just have to keep giving ourselves.
