Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo

[SH_]

Good evening Phoebe.

I am sorry that I have not been as active here as I would like to be. I have been very busy and by the time I get some time, I am drop dead tired. But I have been peeking in and doing my best to keep up with you even if it is in silence.
You are doing really well in keeping active and doing the work. I am proud of all of the work you put in.

This post here is one that I want to share some thoughts with you on. Please know that they are purely my thoughts and come from my experience in progressing and moving forward. I also did some research on it and it helped in my decisions as I progress.

I know, betterm, it's just that I struggle to understand what the heck has happened to my MR. I want to grow from this damn mess, and improve myself.

I am stuck in an endless loop, trying to understand something I may never actually be able to understand because my H may not have understood it himself.

I think many LBS continue to struggle to understand what happened to the MR, because it is a normal part of the process. But, what I see is that the LBS that struggle longer than others, it is due to not accepting what is as what is. Basically rumination takes place and becomes the habit.

As you continue to try and piece the past together, what is the desired outcome? Will the knowledge of details change anything? Will it make the you feel better? Will there be a learning from the details?

I don't know. But I do know that the LBS that I see on these forums that are able to move forward and heal are the ones that accept what is, regardless of any specific details.

My IC really drove this point home with me when I could not seem to get past wanting to understand it all. The point came home to me when I realized that there was no scenario of details that would change anything, and all I could do was simply accept it.

Acceptance is key.

You will grow and begin the journey of improvement once you accept it.

Acceptance is how you break the endless loop.

There is not another way.

Remember the old phrase (there are a lot of variations, so I don't know who to credit), 'Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it.' I don't want to ever repeat this experience.

A good way not to repeat the past is to learn from it, for sure.

But my question here, is from what perspective does one look at the past?
History changes based on whomever is documenting the history, right.
I am sure a historian from Germany has written a very different history about the 2 world wars than the one we here in America have learned from American historians.

Why? Different perspectives and recollections of events and thoughts.

I bring this up, because your recollection of your MR will differ from your WH.

So what can you do to understand the past? Take a few minutes and review it from your perspective. Learn from what you know and start to put into action the things you must to do your part to have a better future. But, you must put a short time limit on this. If not, your own recollection will start to change the longer you look at it.


MWD strongly encourages looking forward with action plans and staying away from looking backward at all of the causes. She advises staying away from MC and IC's that want to just look at the causes and past issues. I think this is missed by many when referring to DBing.

My IC, helped me to understand the value of acceptance so I could move forward. He helped me focus on actions to handle the now and the future. I now appreciate his efforts.

Phoebe, my challenge to you now, is to focus on the now and forward. This is the next step for you. Rumination will not help. Continuing to look backwards will not benefit you the longer you do this. Looking backward to understand it all, and try and uncover every detail of why we are standing where we are is a task that will leave more questions than answers.

In my reading of your story, there are themes that I would say you know what you need to work on. I would say that there is not much more to try and learn.

Some thoughts to ponder.

Let go of the things that can no longer be fixed. If you force to try to put them back, things will only get worse. Holding on is being brave, but sometimes moving on makes you even tougher! - unknown

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don't belong.” -Mandy Hale

You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one. - unknown

Sometimes you need to walk away not to make someone else realize how worthy you are but for you to understand and acknowledge you own self worth. -Unknown

“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fcuk on.” -Tupac

My thoughts here are to help you try and break the pattern of pain and sadness. It is a needed part of the process, but the caution is to avoid letting it become a habit.

Sleep well my dear Phoebe. You are healing and getting stronger everyday. You are going to not simply survive this, but you will thrive, because that is who you are.