MrsNOP, I would define this as "the higher-desire spouse, rather than nagging, or being needy/grabby, or being grouchy/irritable, or even just moping in quiet resentment, instead embarks on a "GAL" program of hobbies, self-improvement, and finds their contentment and humor again. They add muscle, lose fat, engage in rewarding hobbies apart from the lower-desire spouse, while treating them with respect and compassion and being as good of a friend and a parent to their children as they can be. And they continue to speak to their lower-desire spouse in the love languages that they know they need, even though it's not leading to them speaking in yours."
That.
Show me where one spouse does THAT, and it leads to these "and the other spouse will (supposedly) have to change" stuff.
Cuz I just don't see it. And I really do want to see it!
Choc.
You know, NOP didn't do most of those things.
That's right.
No get a life routine. No new hobbies. No put on a happy face routine.
He had always been a good parent, and our relationship had by and large been respectful. He had always had his strong interests and hobbies. He did, prior to the 2-year issue marathon, do things about the house, bought flowers and gifts. But, since there had been no discussion about what was occuring, these activities barely registered with me.
See, what I see missing in your list is this:
"Honey, this is an issue that is important to me. So important that I am not willing to ignore it, squelch it, pretend it doesn't exist, act as if everything in our marriage is acceptable to me. I will be the best spouse I know to be and if there are behaviors of mine that you dislike, please let me know what they are. If there are things you wish I would do, please let me know what they are. I am willing to make whatever effort is necessary to make love to my spouse in a regular fashion. I want to work with you on this issue. But, it is not going to go away, I am willing to fight for it. We absolutely have to work out some resolution and I want to do that with you. I am telling you that I have my limitations, and one of those limitation is living without sex with my spouse. I have tried to accommodate living in a sexless marriage, but I can no longer do that. Will you work with me on this issue? I hope that you will. Because I am telling you that it is not going to go away."
See, you may dislike it immensely. You may find it insulting or degrading or distasteful that you have to fight or struggle for this issue in your marriage. But, that's what I keep seeing that is missing - except for several of the HD women posting here. HP is where she is because I don't think there was a week that went by that she wasn't addressing the issue in some way. That's what happened with us. I'm not talking every once in a while. I'm talking that this issue was there in front of us pretty much on a daily basis.
You *have* to stop acting like everything is okay. As long as your LD spouse sees that you are willing to keep squelching what you want, they'll continue letting you.
