Just got off the phone with my DB coach. He also agrees that I sort of blew it when I threatened WH and his AP, this was the reaction he expected. He also gave pointers when telling my WH boundaries as I am trying to "cage" my WH as opposed to having real boundaries. He gave concrete advice on how to phrase my boundaries talk. He also encouraged me to get out of the house this week and take care of me. I told him I had already made that plan.
My heart is pounding and my stomach is swirling. I vacillate between feeling anguish, rage, hope and anxiety. These feelings change literally by the minute. I keep reminding myself that I need to separate the emotion from the behavior. I've already thrown up my breakfast and am about to attempt to drink a protein shake.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Ok, so that wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I picked up WH from the airport and drove us home. He isn't fasting today and asked if we could eat. I suggested a drive through and he requested a eat-in place. I was mildly surprised as I expected him to avoid me at all costs, which is his standard defense mechanism.
I 180'd super hard. I only talked about non-emotional things, kept it to the kids and daily logistics. I informed him I would be staying out most nights. He seemed surprised and asked what my plans were, I simply gave him a vague response about being with friends. On the way home he quietly asked me what my week ahead looked like. I told him lots of work and saying ym goodbyes to friends. He then asked me when I wanted to "talk about what just happened and stuff." I told him he had requested time and space and I was going to give it to him in spades as I also needed the same thing. He said he felt making me wait to talk was unfair to me. I gave an exasperated laugh and said, "None of this is fair to me. You will do what you want regardless of my feelings or requests. He was very quiet and asked if I had a support system in place. I told him I was coping. I did mention that he would find very little breast milk for the baby in the fridge as my supply has plummeted to almost zero since the second affair came out. His expression was one of devastation and he said how sorry he was. If he had been this way before I would have felt such relief. But now I don't put much credit on anything he says, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
So he is receptive (for now) about discussing the affair. Frankly I am not sure what I will say or do because I am not sure I want to save this marriage at this point. My mind remembers that he was still treating me like dirt during April and all the while he was "dating" her. Man, the rage is blinding. I need to let the rage pass before I do or say anything because otherwise I will just attack him verbally and maybe even physically. I even find myself fantasizing about hitting him over and over again, even though I am not a violent person by nature. So I will wait until I know inside what I want to say and with whatever desired goal. Today he just got a face full of confident, strong and sexy SS. My shields are up and locked in place.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
You handled everything well! Way to go. Continue to take your time with your choices and what you want. Getting a D is the easy way out but doing the hard work you have put in so far will be worth it in the long run if your Heart chooses to follow you and work on the MR.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
You are doing well. The emotions are raging within you. Your resolve is controlling the rage so that your actions are effective and sincere.
You are a strong loving mother. You are a woman that a fool is in awe of. The fool has relinquished all power and decisions due to immature, selfish and short sighted choices. He owns that.
You are doing well. You are a wonderful person. You will decide and do what is best for you and your children. Remember this. When the time comes to make any decisions, you will be prepared and know that what you are doing will be the right thing.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
The rage will always be there. You have to find a way to deal with it. Your H will have to be accountable for his own actions but you will have to manage your hurt and pain without lashing out.
(((Sara)))
Your inner rockstar has come out to play!
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
And Sara, when he initiates the R talk, remember to stfu and validate and do like what you did. Be pleasant and non- committal. This will definitely catch him off guard and make him feel like he's no longervin sole control of the sitch.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
WH is back to his nasty/blame shifting self. Last night his phone woke me (his mom was calling at midnight, sheesh!) and I asked him a few questions about the Affair. I found out that OW bought him a burner phone (a few days after she had sent me a text apologizing to me and my children and saying she was going NC with WH) and that's how they communicated. WH quickly shut down and refused to answer any more questions because, "I can't trust you anymore SS, I don't know what you will do. You hurt me worse than I hurt you." The ball of rage I felt at that moment was suffocating. My impulse was to ask him if he was crazy, that the month long cheating during April was more than disrespect, that it was evil. But I simply asked him if he thought his actions hurt me, he said yes but then demanded if I hurt him. I said yes. I asked him if the "wrongs" were equal, he said the cheating was worse but then said, "But the stuff you did before was way worse." My response "???????" He then became more irritable and said I should schedule our talks. So I said, "How about 1 hour a night after the kids are in bed?" He agreed and then he went to sleep. I went down stairs and spent an hour online numbly scrolling through posts here.
The emotional roller coaster still dips and shoots up. One minute I think there is absolutely nothing salvageable in a marriage where the cheater feels entitled and remorseless. The next minute I think maybe the guy I married will find his way back and remember what my worth is. Sigh.
Tonight I plan on going bowling with co-workers and coming home late. I came home after 7 last night and the kids weren't bathed yet or any of their school stuff done. So I did that, hopefully WH will manage to square stuff today. Any suggestions, 2x4s or words of encouragement are welcome.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
I learnt this the hard way. There is a good time and a bad time to talk about R. Any time you're tired or irritable is not a good time. Any time that you initiate is also not a good time.
You have to let him initiate. Last night was not a good time.
Your H is still in the fog. He's peeking out but any time he feels overwhelmed by guilt or fear, he will scurry back into the rabbit hole.
Sara, your H is wary of your anger because you have exposed OW to her parents. And you have threatened to expose them to their employers. You have to show him that you can handle the truth without lashing out at him. Or he will not dare to tell you the truth.
The things about exposure is tricky. You cant forewarn. And it can drive the A underground.
Sara, sometimes doing or saying nothing actually takes a h&ll more effort but may reap greater rewards.
(((Sara)))
There will be ups and downs. Detaching is about getting down from the roller coaster. Emotions will come and go. Take note of them and then let them go.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thank you JksD, He actually told me yesterday to give him a head's up if we're going to talk. So when he got irritable last night I understood and asked about scheduling talks which he agreed to. Should I simply cancel them until he initiates? He had initiated the "scheduling talks" yesterday so now I am a bit confused.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Sara, You could validate by saying that you understood how he would have been caught off-guard last night and that last night probably wasn't a good time.
Tell him that you respect how he feels and will let him schedule the talks. When you let him schedule the talks, he will probably feel less threatened. And he can't turn around and blame you for not giving him space.
If you read Gottman's book, you will know that guys get flooded very easily by emotional talk. So one way of avoiding that is to validate and let him take the lead.
Btw, you can still state your boundaries but in a civil and firm manner.
Maybe you can prepare some stock answers for when he initiates the R talk? Mentally rehearse your reactions?
It's hard I know.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
