My wife walked out 2

[mvgfwd2]

I think you updating W about S regularly doesn't show her what's she's missing at all. Actually, it's just the opposite. If she is to miss the time with S and you then you need to stop trivial communications entirely. She can't miss what she already is given freely and regularly by you. Yes, you may get the same treatment but maybe you need to think about the end result you are trying to achieve and worry less about the day-to-day minutia.

[Coconut]

Wow, Sandi always coming out hard core!
As for the second, that'd be really hard as I know she'd reciprocate and I wouldn't get to see my son like I want to.

RSG, just look at it this way, your gonna see/know less about your S right now because you are trying to set it up so you are always with him later. The constant updates negate your ability to detach from her, separate her from "your family", and continues to allow her to eat cake.

I can only imagine how tough it will be on you to not be able to speak to your W or S when he is with her, but I think the general consensus is that is what would be best for you in the long run. Just remember that any emergencies should always be communicated, just not the daily updates.

[RSG]

This is something I'm definitely struggling with. I know that this method cannot continue. It's something that I've wanted to bring up to her numerous times but haven't out of fear. I posted a few pics to Facebook yesterday of him playing at my parents. It was the first time in 3 weeks she liked anything I have posted. (I didn't look for it, I just noticed my phone dinging numerous times.)

[RSG]

My response was cut short as the boss started peppering me for info only I could give him!

This scenario scares the poop out of me; however, it reminds me of a line from Frank Costanza. "You want a divorce? You got one!" I guess this would show her what divorce is like. I told her the other day I wasn't terribly comfortable acting as friends, and she got a little angry and said fine we're not friends. FF to now, we're pretty much friends still.

She is scared to death of losing S, just like I am. She has called my folks, and asked them to keep her in the loop while S is there this week. When I was about as forceful as I've ever been, when I confronted her about the affair, I said you have to leave him or we divorce. She started sobbing, saying she needed more time and all she could think of was losing S. She always tries to make it a point that she's "being reasonable" by keeping me in the loop about him. Funny thing is, these days I'm better with him than she is. Those 6-8 mos where she'd go out and leave S with me, we bonded really well.

My Mom said I could do as I was doing, and answer her questions just not OFFER any info. Point being, she's the one who did wrong and ran away from her family (nobody but my DB family knows about affair from my perspective. I'm not sure about hers).

This just feels too much like calling her bluff, and then she'll get angry and file for D now. I don't think she has the $$, but it could make her angry enough that any hopes of getting into MC or coming home would fizzle and D would be 1000% certain. I guess this is viewed as my only shot? Of making her see how much she'd miss S and I if she really wants to leave? Really, really [censored] that I'm the one getting screwed here but I'd have to make a choice that would cost me days w/o any info about my little boy. UGH

[mvgfwd2]

Why are you afraid to stand up to your W? If you don't want to be in the friend zone (a very dangerous place) then don't. If she doesn't like it that's not your problem. You don't have to be a jerk about it just don't accept it. Change the dynamic and take control of YOU and what YOU want. I feel your just happy you talks to you, taking whatever crumbs of hope come your way. That's not how you gain her respect, it's how you lost it.

[RSG]

I'm not afraid of her, I'm afraid of losing access to my S. He's the entire reason I'm doing as well as I am. I understand about the friend zone, it's why I told her previously I was apprehensive about being friends. I told her she wants me to do H things, but not be my W.

Maybe I should tell her she has to stop contacting OP or I won't keep her in the loop. I don't think she'd be prepared for that....

[Coconut]

I'd go with something more like "I will not be in or part of a 3 person M, until you have NC with the OM we are not a family and I will not act like I am in one". When I have S, he will be with me and we will do our family time, I will contact you if there are any emergencies, but otherwise there will not be any updates on what we are doing.

[RSG]

I like that Coconut, I think I'll use that.

Last night was fun, I went and saw my buddy and his girlfriend at their restaurant. WW missed talking to S last night because she was asleep, very weird. She texts me today and says send me 8 or so pics of you with S so I can make a Father's Day present. Also asking again what I'm doing Sunday afternoon.

[RSG]

So, to continue on this, I sent her the pictures as requested so WW can make me a Father's Day gift. This still seems bizarre, but she made my Mom a bag with S's hand prints on it for Mother's day. I gave it to my Mom the week after she walked out. She loves to make crafts, it's actually the one thing she's still doing now that I know she's always liked.

I'm going to my buddy's restaurant again tonight, just to hang out, chat and meet some of his friends. Took the dog on a nice, sweaty walk last night and intend to do so whenever weather permits and S isn't home. We're doing Father's Day at my folks on Saturday, and Sunday I'm going to tour another battlefield.

To be honest, I kind of can't wait for her to complain about my not offering info so I can tell her my boundaries. I'm hoping she'll make the right choice, but I'm not holding my breath. We're looking at a preschool today, it'll be the first time I've seen her without S in ages....

[RSG]

Question: How do you feel about the whole writing a letter to her saying you understand why she's hurting idea?

Is this better as an exercise for YOU, or does this do any good for her?