WAW walked with kids 8 days ago. Been the pursuer but now know not to do anything like that. Still have weak times but getting lots better.
In terms of 'going dark' - what do I do about the kids? Not got custody formalised so its as and when my wife says "do you want to see them" at the moment. We will formalise things soon so I am presuming just go with it for now rather than not 'being there' to have them. i.e. Just be pleasant and go with it rather than thinking I am not going to be available to do that as it is making your life easier?
WAW drops them each morning at our our home (where I live) and I take them to school. It gives me chance to bond with the kids (S6 D8). I am pleasant but don't try not to talk too much with W. Did wonder whether saying I am too busy to take kids would be wise but that might mean we don't get Dad time. Also it feels 'mean' rather than 'detached' as I would be doing it so she has to deal with it herself.
Sorry if this looks like I am asking should I be mean to my WAW - that is not what I am asking. What I am wanting reassurance on is am I following a sensible path in terms of being available for the kids (and her) like this? There is a fine line with being there to help with children and the need to be less available for your WAW when detaching. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
To follow up on what darkness said, YOU must submit the schedule that conforms to your availability/wants. If she doesn't like it, then you can try to accommodate.
My WW and I are working on a weekly basis on this, and I am the one that sets the week. She gets small choices, but beyond Y/N I do everything.
Don't be overly mean, but be on top of the kids! If she's anything like a WW, there'll be odd occurrences that don't seem like the Mom you know and love(d).
8 kids. I feel for you and them!
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Whoops read that too fast lol. 8 DAYS not kids! Anyway, keep on top of your kids. They need a good Daddy now more than ever. My son is what keeps me going.
Me: 35 W: 32 S: 4 T: 6 M: 4 Physical Separation official: 5/21 Currently: DR/DBing, Focusing on me and son
Cheating on a good person is like throwing away a diamond and picking up a rock.
Are you planning to get a shared custody arrangement in place? You want to be very cautious in how you proceed. Everything you say and do needs to be with your ultimate goal in mind.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Worked from home today. WAW (who walked 9 days ago) popped in to pick things up with D8. D8 came to say hello as did WAW (I resisted temptation to go find WAW). Went in to say goodbye when they went though - perhaps a mistake but wanted to give D8 a reassuring cuddle. Anyway WAW was looking stressed and emotional (victim like). I resisted saying are you okay etc or acknowledge her state of mind. Was going to offer to go and watch the kids swimming with her but resisted the temptation.
Tricky it's hard to decipher what you are really doing to see the kids and what you are really doing to be near WAW - also you can trick yourself that it is for the kids when at times it is not really true and sometimes you are doing things for both or just to see WAW.
Anyway I digress, yesterday WAW visited to drop things for kids sleepover. All pleasant but when she went she said 'I guess that's no talking again' then tried to push into dangerous territory - acussatory stuff but I validated and steared her back into safe water.
I feel I am still allowing myself to be near her too often (I will see her when she drops the kids for the school run tomorrow) and whilst I ignore the victim like approaches (due to well trodden drama triangle consequences) and validate and close down difficult discussions, I would appreciate some thoughts here. Should I perhaps be around less?
Seeing her every day for the school run etc is this right? D8, S6 will be at my home (family house) tomorrow pm as WAW wants access for piano lesson for D6. Should I just do the school run then not be around at all as being around - even though we are getting on might not be allowing her enough space.......any thoughts greatly appreciated.
In short am I kidding myself - am I still being too available?
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
