The weather for Sunday didn't look promising, so my date with FF#1 got bumped up to tonight. And it was amazing! We have so much to talk about with common history. She is amazing, being able to have intelligent conversations, she is so aware, so in touch with the world, so full of empathy and understanding, and she is just so happy to be alive. She is so thankful for compliments, so happy to give them. She is crystal clear on what she wants, what she enjoys, what she is willing to try, and a mild sense of adventure. She has had some tough times but never let it get her down. She was an LBS 6 years ago, her H left for an A, he married the OW, got a D, and came back to FF. FF told xWH no, and was telling me she doesn't know why she M'd him in the first place. But they coparent almost flawlessly.
I never imagined how conversations could be so much better than they ever were with xW. Even if we never date, I imagine staying friends with FF#1, and I will be glad to have her as a part of my life.
There are many attitudes to this and these are mine.
There is a space and time to date.
These are the factors to consider.
Too late
* leave it too late and you may lose confidence in dating * leave it too late and then you will invest too soon in a new R * leave it too late and you will go full on too soon inappropriately * leave it too late and you may feel rejected if dates don't work out * leave it too late and you may be unkind to those you date * leave it too late and you may not see the complete pool of prospects * leave it too late and there will be what ifs, Miss Haversham
This has been described as being hungry after you have been ill, you are hungry and wait to eat. You get ravenous and overeat on junk food or poor nutrition. You feel ill and this upsets your whole system. The food tasted wonderful as you hadn't eaten.
--------------------------------------- Too soon
* too soon and you will go for the first person that comes along * too soon and then this is revenge or ego boost and your subconscious will know this, it won't like it and may sabotage * too soon and the early introduction to dating will take you too deep too soon with the same mistakes as before * too soon and the right person for you has no entry point whilst you deal with an inappropriate interim R * too soon and you aren't available and feel guilty * too soon and you previous R is unfinished, you will loop * too soon and you won't see similarities in sitches may mean baggage isn't handled * too soon and you cause damage to your family by introducing another too early * too soon and you aren't formed, the work hasn't been done * too soon and you have no sense of being alone * too soon and you may have inappropriate sexual connections * too soon and you will be too needy even if there is a good fit * too soon and you can't trust yourself meaning others can't trust you * too soon and you haven't practised with your own thoughts and feelings * too soon and you are healing the past and are unaware of the present, remaking the current R in the image of the past * too soon and you fall for the familiar, it's your comfort zone, you move far too quickly, you can say I take care of me * too soon and you are using another to heal (even with sex) this gives others the power over you and oops back to where you were * too soon and you are still carrying your baggage, you will project the past R to the current one * too soon and you will repeat the old R with a new person
In essence being an adult means knowing yourself and having the keys to your own happiness.
Being an adult means being accepting of yourself flaws and all. By dating too soon this you will settle for the first date who validates you and wants to talk. Who wants something from you.
The one person you should date is you.
I feel the behaviour you are showing comes from your beliefs, no other person has the power over you. Moving from one codependent R to another won't help you to heal and realign your core beliefs and boundaries.
My view is that you have work to do on you, no other can heal you or validate you to completeness. You have a need to date and this in itself is attempting to using another to fill the need within you. If they are in the same space they are asking you to satisfy their needs. This isn't possible.This will lead to pain and not a complete whole R. Each of you seeking healing from the other.
The real risk is to use this to complete yourself. This is a plug not a repair. Like a ship who has hit a rock, you need dry dock repairs. A temporary patch and their will be a leak.
Live a fuller life including friends in a group environment. Become yourself, the person you need to date is you. So cease the engagement with any FF in a one on one, if there is any value then it will happen when the time is right. Anyone who wants to rush you has their own interest not yours at heart. That is more of the same.
In essence Google the term pattern interrupt.
Want to be with the best not just the first. Choose someone with appropriate boundaries who gives you space to be yourself. An adult who can be alone.
Step back, breathe, ground and heal first.
When you do date, be honest with your dates, date a few women, if there is no fit walk away with respect for both of you.
My 2c
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, I think your post above is worthy of being added to the stickies. Another I will read frequently, and I feel so honored to have you post in my thread once again with such insightful information.
I met with FF#1 again yesterday. It went OK, met with a group of common friends so it wasn't one on one this time. Her life is fairly full of drama right now, but we continue to talk and make plans.
All of my closest friends in my life have been female. I don't know why, it is still my preference.
FF#2, I have spent time at her house. No interest in dating in either direction.
FF#3, isn't legally D'd yet from her second H, has a live-in BF who she is trying to end it with, and is hitting on me. I have minimized contact with her!
Being an introvert I am not comfortable in a group setting. 3-4 people is OK, but 2 is my preference. And being I prefer FF's, what do I do?
I was so tempted to ask FF#1 to do something again yesterday, but I didn't. The first time seeing her in 25 years, and then 3 days in a row, I didn't think would be appropriate. I have been making sure I allow time for her to be the first one to text each day, which is difficult for me, but working. But then it is about 60 texts per day between us.
I already find myself contemplating if there is a possible future with her. She lives and works 25 miles from my house (once I get it back in July), so within driving distance to work if she moved in with me. Her parents's house where she grew up is about 5 miles from my house, she goes to church about 2 miles away. We have alot of the same friends, even now that she is living in a different town I know a bunch of the same people through work, which is odd.
FF#1 is going to a cabin in the woods this week, alone, no phone, no contact with the outside world, to do self-reflection. I sent the last text to her just an hour ago and I already feel the withdrawal symptoms coming back. Dang it, I guess she was filling a need for me, even though we haven't moved beyond the "friend" stage.
Getting over this codependence thing isn't fun, and apparently 7 months isn't long enough. And limiting my GAL to FF#1 isn't the solution.
I will learn to be comfortable by myself. I have usome projects to work on.
Good, great, wonderful...intention
how do we get ourselves to be successful with that intent.
I don't just say i want to play guitar and boom...there we go.
what are some tangible, managble goals you can develop right now to get where you want to go?
back to guitar analogy. just saying, i will practice three times a week. ok that is good, but is simply sitting down three times a week a good goal...not really.
more succinctly:
1 / week I will work on finger excersize and scales for 15 minutes 1 / week I will work on chord -finger placement and strum parterns for 15 minutes 1 / week I will work on chord changes for 15 minutes.
I plan on continuing these until I am physically strong enough with hand strength to move to 20 minutes, then 25 minutes three times a week. I will add basic songs for the extra minutes.
these are all quantifiable goals that help keep us on track with a direction. when you hit a good milestone, reevaluate and adjust.
