Intimacy is just that - the ability to let your guard down and to aim to know and be known on many levels in different areas.
That sort of connection is something that has to build over time. The sense of intimacy that often comes in the initial stages of a relationship is usually a pseudo-intimacy. Both people are operating on their best behavior and all the warts and willies haven't been revealed.
I don't think I was HD and while I wasn't watching, someone exchanged the real thing for these Folger's Crystals.
My drive remains about the same, with the occasional "oops, was I just horny?" twinges.
What changed?
My attitude. My view of my husband. My view of our marriage. My view of our relationship. My view of my responsibilities. My view of myself. My view of what's important. My view of what is needed.
My list of excuses. My list of rationalizations. The idea that spending an ~hour making love with my husband was a imposition on me and my time. The idea that my husband's desire for sex was wrong, or excessive, or badly timed, or that it had little to do with me. The realization that my husband has feelings too and working to empathize with how damaging my ongoing rejections, avoidances and withdrawal must be to him.
I want you to know that while I did start having sex regularly, it took time for my attitude and heart to be in a good place. I appreciate NOP biting his lip and continuing to expose his heart toward me even while I participated in grudging sex.
If your husband came to you tomorrow with bags packed and told you that he couldn't live this way anymore, you would probably discover that he suddenly was worth your efforts in this arena. Why wait for that moment to occur?
My drive is to be loving and caring toward my husband in ways that mean love and care to him. I don't have to wait for a sexual urge, or for the heavens to align before I can reach out to him sexually. We work on the relationship outside of the bedroom together to maintain and work toward the emotional connection that enhances the experience for both of us. If there are things in your relationship that bring you grief or anxiety, then those are things that you can ask your husband to work on together.
I saw a quote on another forum that said,
"Marriage IS the commitment of two to meet the emotional needs of the other. If that is not what you have, you have a commitment to the institution (of marriage) but not the spouse."
No one really wants to be valued as a mere prop in the "institution of marriage" as opposed to being valued for themself as your partner.
