I have ZERO problem with her having male friends. I have a problem with THIS one though, given their past. Even if she is telling 100% truth, I know this guy has it out for her. My gut does not lie, I've learned that.
DigIt,
The quote above is from your last thread. I'm just responding to let you know that I understand exactly what you're going through. There are friends and then there are friends; I call them "special" friends and they're not a friend of the marriage.
My MC said, "Look, this is how marriage works; if one spouse doesn't like the other spouse's friend, then the friend has to go."
If you're wife is choosing a friend over you, then you're not the number one dude in her life.
I have ZERO problem with her having male friends. I have a problem with THIS one though, given their past. Even if she is telling 100% truth, I know this guy has it out for her. My gut does not lie, I've learned that.
DigIt,
The quote above is from your last thread. I'm just responding to let you know that I understand exactly what you're going through. There are friends and then there are friends; I call them "special" friends and they're not a friend of the marriage.
My MC said, "Look, this is how marriage works; if one spouse doesn't like the other spouse's friend, then the friend has to go."
If you're wife is choosing a friend over you, then you're not the number one dude in her life.
Which is why I've stepped away from it. Early on in our R, I had an ex-gf that was still calling. We actually were really good friends, and I was not going to go back to her, but my W did not approve. I ended it immediately. Still haven't talked to that girl since. Unfortunately, she doesn't see things the way I do right now.
If you're wife is choosing a friend over you, then you're not the number one dude in her life.
I'm not sure its quite so black and white. I don't think she's choosing one or another, she isn't choosing anything right now and just doing whatever she wants. That's is not the way to fix a MR, which I interpret as she doesn't want to fix it right now.
Regardless of how she sees things, she needs to understand and respect my side as well. I've gone to great lengths to understand her side, and my conclusion is that she has no clue what she wants, so needs to be on her own to figure it out.
If you're wife is choosing a friend over you, then you're not the number one dude in her life.
I'm not sure its quite so black and white.
Yes it is. It is exactly that black and white! If the wayward is claiming the OM is a "friend" and that's all he is.........then there should be no confusion, no complexity, no hard decision choosing your husband and marriage over some so-called friendship. Truth is that it's not a friendship at all. It's an affair.
Look, the WW will mess with your head and make you think you are the unreasonable person in this triangle she's made in the M.
She had absolutely no problem "seeing" how a close friendship with your ex would not be healthy for your MR. So don't go off the rails trying to make an exception out of what she's doing now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you're wife is choosing a friend over you, then you're not the number one dude in her life.
I'm not sure its quite so black and white.
Yes it is. It is exactly that black and white! If the wayward is claiming the OM is a "friend" and that's all he is.........then there should be no confusion, no complexity, no hard decision choosing your husband and marriage over some so-called friendship. Truth is that it's not a friendship at all. It's an affair.
Look, the WW will mess with your head and make you think you are the unreasonable person in this triangle she's made in the M.
She had absolutely no problem "seeing" how a close friendship with your ex would not be healthy for your MR. So don't go off the rails trying to make an exception out of what she's doing now.
I understand. She had always claimed that I still had feelings for my ex, which in truth, I probably did. But I man'd up and did what I thought was right. She claims there aren't any feelings for this guy.
But regardless, that's not my problme to deal with right now because my W left me, so she can do whatever she wants. Her actions will dictate how I proceed.
And, she has moved out. The move went pretty easy. We got into an argument about a couple things. We had previously talked about certain things staying, for instance, a Kurig coffee machine. I saw her taking it, and put my foot down. I don't even drink coffee right now, and she argued that she uses it everyday. I tried telling her that its not the coffee machine I want. I could care less. Honestly, I don't even want it. It was her backing out on her word about what was staying.
She pulled the "i don't remember saying that". Sorry, doesn't mean it wasn't said. "Aren't I allowed to change my mind?" Sure you are, but you have to vocalize that to me, you can't just change your mind in your own head and expect me to go along with it. She was mad and spouting all kinds of kinda random things.
She had a couple more trips to make from my house to hers, and after that first trip, she called about an hour later and apologized for the way she was acting. I accepted and let her know that "when you goes against what we previously discuss, it worries me that you will have a change of heart and start going after a bunch of other stuff, like the house/more money,etc. I need to protect myself from that." She understood and swears that won't happen. I do believe her. She was stressed about the move, but this is what she wanted. She also agreed to give up her key, she didn't like it, but she doesn't live there anymore and understood after she took some time to think about it.
I spent the weekend with family and getting some new furniture in the house enjoying some nice weather. I got a text from her last night asking for the login info for Netflix/HBO. Its my mom's account that she lets us use. I didn't respond last night, but just resonding this morning that I'll find out and let her know. It's really not anywhere close to a priority for me right now.
At the end of the weekend, I'm just happy that I have both my dogs here with me. She spoke about taking them for a weekend here and there, not sure how I feel about that right now though.
I am doing ok, I think, with all things considered. I was a bit scattered yesterday because there is much to do and found myself not very focused. I'm just taking one day at a time and allowing myself a lot of time to process everything.
When my wife moved out, after 15 years of living in the same house, I was surprised how much dust had built-up behind some of the furniture. There was a lot of clean-up to do. I had to go out and buy a carpet cleaner because some the build-up was so bad. Yuck!
If I had to do it over again, I'd insist that she clean-up behind any large furniture that she takes. Just a little tip for anyone that has a spouse that's moving-out.
When my wife moved out, after 15 years of living in the same house, I was surprised how much dust had built-up behind some of the furniture. There was a lot of clean-up to do. I had to go out and buy a carpet cleaner because some the build-up was so bad. Yuck!
If I had to do it over again, I'd insist that she clean-up behind any large furniture that she takes. Just a little tip for anyone that has a spouse that's moving-out.
I have mostly hardwood flooring throughout the house, so cleaning wasn't a big deal. I did clean up and down the whole house the second she left. She came back to get more stuff and was suprised at how much cleaning I had done.
When my wife moved out, after 15 years of living in the same house, I was surprised how much dust had built-up behind some of the furniture. There was a lot of clean-up to do. I had to go out and buy a carpet cleaner because some the build-up was so bad. Yuck!
If I had to do it over again, I'd insist that she clean-up behind any large furniture that she takes. Just a little tip for anyone that has a spouse that's moving-out.
Random thought here,
If the dust build up was over the course of the M, why would it be the responsibility of the WAW? Just because they took furniture, you saw the dust, but it was there all along.
The Keurig: you don't use it, you were making a point I see. My ex agreed I could keep everything except his stupid TV. I couldn't fit the couches up the stairs in my new place, so I offered them to him. I couldn't have a washer/dryer in my new place, so I gave them to him.
My point is, I was one p!ssed off woman who wanted nothing more than vengeance. But I felt it pointless over those things. I realize in retrospect, those things would hurt my chances of reconciliation. I fought my battles where they were really truly important to me.
I completely get it. But it does get exhausting, the arguments over the little things. Just some food for thought.
