Quote: I'm confused. I start thinking it's about frequency, then someone else comes along and says it's about the EC. Which one is it???
As the lower drive in our R, I'm thinking I'm gonna have to boink him daily in order to make his 'numbers', but I also have to pull out all the stops to make the connection amazing! So, how to do that? Lets see... if I just go for the 'schedule' it starts feeling like 'mercy sex' and that isn't good. If I just go for the great EC but dial down on the frequency then I'm missing that as well.
That is so much to shoot for, and I am starting to wonder what you HD's really want. Do you know yourselves? Are you aiming at something that you can't even describe? Is there just no 'perfect' with your current spouse/SO?
What I really want is to make my dh happy. I'd love to love having sex, but I don't. So I either have to 'force it' for frequency, or really work for the EC. Both are tiring to me, and mutually exclusive I'm beginning to believe. Don't think I'm being antagonistic, because I'm just here trying to find a solution as well. But I'm wondering if we're all just chasing our 'tails' so to speak!
Jen, each person's situation has its differences. If you're husband is a HD, sex-starved person, then sex is likely to be high on his thought list and the desired frequency is likely to be high. If your relationship reaches the point where he doesn't have to spend a lot of time figuring out when the next bout of love-making is going to occur, he will probably drop down to a lower frequency.
This isn't really a binary choice of "either this or that" - and "Either the frequency must b X or the emotional connection must be Y, but there will be no cross-over!"
I think Chrissy's approach of making sure it's at least twice a week is a good place to start. Do you enjoy sex at all once things get started?
I don't go into lovemaking with the focus as "I've got to make a strong emotional connection". I go into it with the idea of just going with the flow, doing things with NOP that I think might feel good to him, doing things that feel good to me and just all around relaxing. We don't try to work up some sexual fervor, though we do build on each other's at times. We don't try to work up something lighthearted, though we do end up giggling at times. Sometimes there's a close connection and sometimes the connection's not as close.
What do HDs want? They want the exact same thing that LDs want. I wrote the following a few months back. I think it resonates with either LD or HD.
"I want to be able to discuss anything and everything with you. Conversations conveyed with respect and kindness even on the topics we find difficult, and done so without explosions of anger or cold withdrawals.
I want us to be comfortable, close and trusting enough with each other that there are no "eggshell places or pits of doom" in our relationship.
I want to be able to reach out and touch you with kisses, hugs or caresses with the knowledge that my touch is welcome to you and not something you merely tolerate or outright avoid.
I want you to reach out and touch me with kisses, hugs and caresses and know that you do so for love of me and a celebration of us.
I want to build a lifetime with you that we can look back on with warmth and pride rather than regret and sorrow.
I want to grab your hand, kiss your lips, hug you softly, look you in the eyes and have it be clean and joyous with no shadow between us to spoil it.
I'm not looking for sexual olympics. I'm not looking for overwhelming, glazed-eyed sexual desire. I'm not looking for something new and different each time we come together.
I want to make love to you. I want you to make love to me. Where we can be comfortable with each other. Where we can be open to each other. Where we both lay down our guard and allow the other in for a time.
I want you to be next to me and that I can know that I am the man you have chosen to spend your life with, to spend your days with, and that you would choose me again."
