Soon mate, soon. Just got a lot on right now (GAL).
Quote:
I continue my life for myself, but you cannot get away from the fact that I also have my kids to think about.
Yea, I hear ya. I have S10 as well but believe it or not I'm managing to detach quite nicely. Sure, I still get down, still go over events in my head a lot and like you am still baffled at how I ended up here. The difference I think is that I'm no longer waiting for her to come back. No longer yearning for her to realise the error of her ways. It's no longer any of my business.
That last thread of the rope you're holding onto will be dropped soon and when you realise that it's happened the tone of your posts will change. I know this as I'm just a few months ahead of you in this game.
Peace mate.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
A better weekend. Had the kids over. We had a great day out on Saturday and bought some shoes for my D from Clarks. Why are kids shoes so expensive? It costs more to kit out the kids than it does me!
W came over early for my D so she could have her eyes tested. She's got a small misshape on one of her eyes which causes a slight bit of short sightedness, so, she'll get some glasses next week. W kept D after the appointment, so it was just me and S, so we went riding on buses (my S loves that) and had some food and then spent a bit of 'guy time' together.
W picked my S up at 4pm,so I went off to they gym. I had to 'tell her off' about not telling me about the kids sports day. She apologised, and said she realised afterwards as there was 'so much on the calendar'. I told her it shouldn't happen again and I reminded her that she needed to tell me about the gala events in a couple of weeks time.
The kids have a school disco on Tuesday, so we'll arrange another day for the kids to come over.
All friendly enough, but I don't think that she feels that she'll lose me and I think that is the key here. How do I achieve that without being a dick? A couple of you have mentioned that they feel I am still holding 'a strand of rope', but I call that hope. I read a lot and re-read a lot, and on every website (others, less superior have been perused) and they all same the same thing - if you're separated, the thing the W looks for is confidence, independence and signs of growth - I think I've done all that, I think I've put the work in. Of course, if anybody thinks I've missed something, please, chip in!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Chipping in. What you see as hope , W maybe seeing as her have still having control. And if that's the case why would she change.
The detachment thing is just that , detachment Until you detach W may still think she has control or atleast an option of you as plan B
From what I've read on this board , most of the reconciliation cars that suceed involve the LBS truly accepting that the M is over and moving forward with their own life
Let's see you from Ws view.
You have become a better father You have moved into a new home and are dealing with life You are becoming a man only a fool would leave
You don't really GAL, You don't have a new life You don't seem to have given up all hope on the M
What can you do ? Let go of the rope completely , move forward as if this is the future. W is gone and Huddy needs to get a life for him and let go of the hope / rope. If W truly understands your finished , maybe , she will feel the loss and start to re think but at that stage Huudy might not care
Just my humble opinion mate and I'm still alone so what do I know
I'd argue tat I do GAL (going to gym, going abroad etc.), but I'm not comfortable with wanting to 'date' whilst still married, so, I guess we'll have to disagree on that one!
Being separated is a new life, isn't it? No, of course I haven't given up hope, but I don't show it and haven't been needy etc. since last summer.
Another confusing picture!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Maybe you could be perfect, dbing perfectly, ideal father, super physical condition, good natured with pm a etc etc and it would not make a difference.This is not about you. It is about your W and until it clicks inside her, your efforts will not be enough .
That is why we are advised to concentrate on us. I think you have done well but need a little step further down the "ME"route. You need to figure out what that is for you and fill your life with more fun and happiness.
No one is saying that you should date. You decide when you are ready for that.
I advise you to be the lighthouse. Weather it out the time it takes. Keep your hope if it gives you strength, but put it in a box at the back of the top shelf in a cupboard. Don't carry it with you.
You do seem obsessed with the notion of her feeling the loss. And in your part in making her feel it. You don't know what she feels and you cannot make her feel anything.
Last week you almost reacted to her and thought of filing for D yourself. Revisit that mindset. What would that huddy be doing differently than you?
Best wishes.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
WAW walked with kids 8 days ago. Been the pursuer but now know not to do anything like that. Still have weak times but getting better lots better.
In terms of 'going dark' - what do I do about the kids? Not got custody formalised so its as and when my wife says "do you want to see them" at the moment. We will formalise things soon so I am presuming just go with it for now rather than not 'being there' to have them. i.e. Just be pleasant and go with it rather than thinking I am not going to be available to do that?
WAW drops them each morning at our our home (where I live) and I take them to school. It gives me chance to bond with the kids. I am pleasant but don't try not to talk too much with her. Did wonder whether saying I am too busy to take kids would be wise but that might mean we don't get Dad time. Also it feels 'mean' rather than 'detached' as I would be doing it so she knows she has to deal with it herself - it would put her under pressure as it would mean she could not get to work on time.
Sorry if this looks like I am asking should I be mean to my WAW - that is not what I am asking. What I am wanting reassurance on is am I following a sensible path in terms of being available for the kids (and her) like this? There is a fine line with children and the need to be less available for your WAW when detaching. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
M46/W40/D8/S6/T20/M12/Separated 6/2016,W takes kids Issues2009 Wpartying w/g.f's2013on EA2013PAdeniedWleavesMBR ImeetAP/EAhalts VariousBDDates MFCourse WSpew EAresumes I halt Wrages DBIng4/2016
Hi Huddy. I wasn't suggesting you date. I think GAL is not so much about going out ( even though it's a major part of it ). It more about getting on with your life as you would if W moved to Australia and you wouldn't be seeing her ever again and if you did it would be in passing
I'm not a great example but as far as my WW is concerned I no longer have any interest in an R. My life has moved past that stage and the only reaction she will get is if the kids are upset and even then my reaction is like , really ??
In your posts it's clear ( and 100% understandable ) that you are still very attached to what your W does. If I'm honest I was sure the dating thing was to get a reaction until she took it down and you told us that she had no photo up Now I think she went on looking and probably did not like what she saw or changed her mind. Mind reading on my part but my thoughts.
For me , your doing great but it's that last part that you need to let go of And that's so hard because you love her but it's needed on several fronts
First , so Huddy can find peace and move forward and secondly so W feels the loss of Huddy.
I can't remember the posters name but he and his W did reconcile after a good few years. Once his W left , that was it , not cosy chats , no doing things with the kids together , no Xmas together , nothing. His thought process was she had fired him as her H so he accepted that and moved forward
Last week you got upset they W was on a dating site , I'm not trying to hurt you but doesnt that show that she has no intention of reconciliation right now ?
Sandis tag line is do what works. What your doing right now isn't working so what can you change ?
Just re read this and it's a bit dis jointed but I hope you get what I'm trying to say
Sorry, missed your post earlier. OK, first things first, you're best to start your own thread on the forum. That way you'll get lots of important tools from Cadet and sandi2 to help kick the process off.
No, you don't go 'dark' on your kids. They haven't asked for this, and you need to step up to be the sane parent at this difficult time. No, you don't be mean either, but you have to act confident and strong. You can say no. Hope that helps so far!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
WAW walked with kids 8 days ago. Been the pursuer but now know not to do anything like that. Still have weak times but getting better lots better.
In terms of 'going dark' - what do I do about the kids? Not got custody formalised so its as and when my wife says "do you want to see them" at the moment. We will formalise things soon so I am presuming just go with it for now rather than not 'being there' to have them. i.e. Just be pleasant and go with it rather than thinking I am not going to be available to do that?
WAW drops them each morning at our our home (where I live) and I take them to school. It gives me chance to bond with the kids. I am pleasant but don't try not to talk too much with her. Did wonder whether saying I am too busy to take kids would be wise but that might mean we don't get Dad time. Also it feels 'mean' rather than 'detached' as I would be doing it so she knows she has to deal with it herself - it would put her under pressure as it would mean she could not get to work on time.
Sorry if this looks like I am asking should I be mean to my WAW - that is not what I am asking. What I am wanting reassurance on is am I following a sensible path in terms of being available for the kids (and her) like this? There is a fine line with children and the need to be less available for your WAW when detaching. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you.
How to start a thread
I will use what Job wrote
First Click on Newcomers then:
Originally Posted By: job
Go to the top of the screen and there is a new topic box on the left hand side. Click on it and then you will open the window to create a new subject as well as a posting. It's the same way that you created this thread.
