Turning Point

[PacLove]

Yeah I didn't make it about me at all - other than what I've done wrong but reflected on how she must feel about the situation. It's the 5 paragraphs, a little over a page.

He did a quick review and said overall it looks good but would get back to me with specific feedback, that was on 4/27... maybe I'll try and call.

I've had a good friend of mine review it since and he provided some good feedback. Thanks for the tips, I'll re-read it.

[betterm]

Has anyone checked out the latest LRT Videos from MWD? I've been getting emails on them and am tempted to give them a try...

Assuming the link is ok since it's a MWD site:

https://divorcebustingtraining.mykajabi.com/store/Q5UUUmn4

I'm still surprised no one else has chimed in on this... No one has watched the LRT videos posted in this link?

[PacLove]

Had a really great late night dinner last night with a close friend, won't go into details but he really pumped me up to be patient and continue down my path of prayer and optimism. He know's W pretty well too and believes this is just a phase she's going through.

Anyways, got home last night and W starts talking to me about logistical stuff... then as she's about to walk out the door to her place she drops the "I made a big mistake at work" the other day... I did my best to validate her but don't believe I did a very good job. She often complains about her work or the issues she has - so DB'ers what are some responses you've used to your W's when they complain about their job? Looking for ideas/help here on how to better validate and connect with her when she opens the door.

Thanks,

PL

[betterm]

Anyways, got home last night and W starts talking to me about logistical stuff...

Logistical stuff? Are you sure you're married to a woman? JK!

so DB'ers what are some responses you've used to your W's when they complain about their job? Looking for ideas/help here on how to better validate and connect with her when she opens the door.
PL

If you haven't done so yet, go to youtube and search "its not about the nail". It provide a rediculously great view on what's going on in this situation. (Laugh Later).

If she's complaining about her boss or coworkers, it's easy to jump on the train and complain with her, but try something like

"they always put you in these situations, it must be so difficult to deal with that kind of [disrespect/pressure/etc] on a regular basis at work."
or
"I can't believe your boss did that again/to you. How does he expect you to handle everything when you've already go so much going on?"

Stay away from "If it were me..." statements. She doesn't care how you would handle the situation. Stay away from (obviously), "you just need to XYZ (suck it up, do your best, etc). She doesn't want to hear solutions or answers.

Stick to her and her feelings on the topic. "That must be so hard", "to deal with that daily must be so exhausting". etc.

hope that helps.

[PacLove]

Thanks betterm - good advice!

I asked D9 this morning what she's most looking forward to this summer (her last day of school was yesterday) and she responded her trip to X with W cause she's never been there before. I shared that I can see why as I've never been there either. That was a rat-hole as she asked why don't I come and I had to tell her that it's her trip with Mommy and that I'm not welcome... (A better Dad probably would have responded that it's her special time with M but I guess some bitterness still exists)

She then starts talking about the 10 commandments with me and how I need to honor thy mother (her M) smart cookie ;-) (meanwhile I'm thinking of the 6th commandment and how W has violated it...) She said she'd talk to Mommy about me coming to X with them but I honestly am not interested right now.

She is such a treasure, we had a great talk on her way to summer camp today, mostly about how things are going in school and how she feels about this one kid who's been sort of bothering her. As I dropped her off I realized how grown a little girl she is becoming and how she can help me get through this in being a friend and a D by me just listening to her and validating her.

[betterm]

Hello PacLove, How's your weekend? Just checking in as I haven't seen you on the forums. It sounds like your daughter is a real treat to have around. Keep a strong focus on your relationship with her; I don't have kids myself, but I know the connection between Father/Daughter can be very powerful and rewarding. It could be that boost you need to kick things into high gear.

[PacLove]

Thanks betterm.

Weekend was pretty packed with end of school festivities and stuff... got asked a bunch where W was, even had one friend push me a little too much (one of my biking buddies who wanted to ride with me yesterday), that was not fun.

The highlight (or lowlight) of the weekend though was when W calls to speak to D on Friday night, we end up chatting for a few minutes while I'm trying to find D and she tells me shes out for dinner with new friends in X (X is where he lives some 40 miles away)... not sure why she'd volunteer this up, anyways story seems to check out as she has a new FB friend, but off course my mind races with rage as I'm trying to not want to know what she's up to...

Further more she ends up using one of the Credit cards I still get alerts on, and sure enough there's charges in his town Friday night and Saturday day on it. I guess I can stop monitoring that CC for my sanity, but still not sure how to handle the former.

I think she just slipped up, but maybe she's trying to make me angry to force me to make a move? Trying to say it's over? I really can't read her right now. She's been totally pleasant on the phone and in all our interactions - I've been the one drawing the line. I know the say no R talk, but I'm so tempted to sit her down and ask her what is on her mind and what is she thinking right now... just ask her to lay it out for me for my own sanity.

BTW finally got feedback on the letter... going to pen it out and leave it for her Tuesday when she's coming by the house next.

[PacLove]

Also had a bit of a breakdown tonight when D was video chatting with D... I caught a glimpse of her and she looked so good... I'm really missing W this weekend... lots of anger and lonely feelings.

[Natus]

God i needed that just as much. I was drowning in my anger just now. Glad i read that.

[Si_07]

Hi guys, I have also written a letter using the same website as mentioned. I showed it to my counseler and he mentioned that I don't say I'm sorry or asking for forgiveness. The reason I didn't is because I also say in the letter that I'm not trying to change her mind, just maybe help her heart heal. It is all about her as you guys have done cause I've realized now when I have written matters before they were more about me.

I haven't decided if I'm going to send it yet, I find W still very random and not sure if I have been getting some temp checks this weekend. She wants to have a phone call (about the kids) but she rarely keeps on topic. She wanted to do it last night but I was out watching the football. Had an email from her last night that had somewhat aggressive tone the first half, then talked about the kids, and threw in something about herself in the middle. She still seem to be a mess and all over the place.

I have seen her briefly but I don't feel she looks good, a couple of other friends have commented that they don't feel she looks good either. In some ways, it helps with the detaching as I don't feel missing feeling at the moment.

All the best of you send the letter and hopefully works in your favour.