A new crossroad reached

[mleigh4]

Hi guys! Well, I had THE TALK with H so wanted to share and journal before I forget some things.

I decided to make it happen sooner than later, so I was happy H agreed to the last minute invite. I found a sitter to take S to and H came over. I suggested a walk, but he said he was tired and asked if we could just talk there. I said ok, but outside, I figured it might help me keep calm in my happy place.

He laughed because I had the holiday calendars in my hand and he commented he didn't have any paperwork to bring. Ha ha. So I basically started off by saying I feel we are stuck, that nothing is happening or changing, and that I am hoping by talking about some things, that it may help us.

I asked him his thoughts on family time. I expressed my concerns about it. Somehow the conversation turned and I spent the next two hours hearing him vent everything I have done wrong and every way I have hurt him. At first, I will admit, I got defensive and I threw some truth darts back, but more than anything I kept saying that I have gotten past all that and just wanted to move forward. That did not sit well with him, I finally realized he really needed to express this stuff.

So I finally stopped talking and just listened. He let it all out, from S birth, to vacations, to feeling unloved and unwanted. He talked and talked until it finally just got quiet. His main point that he kept going back to was how much it upsets him when I tell him this is his choice. His point to me was that I made all the choices I did to bring him to the point where he was so unhappily married that he couldn't do it anymore.

I listened, I apologized, did the sorry you feel that way. and told him that I understand our marriage was not in a good place, and that I never want to go back to that. We both made choices and mistakes. The question is, did we learn from them? Do we see how we could do things differently and can we commit to those changes? I said, to me, marriage is all about getting through the tough times together, learning and growing from it. I also pointed out that most of the hard times he vented about were when S was younger. I reminded him that S is a temporary fixture here, he is going to grow up and leave, then we would be alone together again.

He listened and agreed. He also said he finds it hard to believe I could change and he still thinks he would be neglected over S. I told him, sorry, but your kind of being a baby over it. Things change when you have a child, but yes, there are things I wish I had done differently

So I told him, I can't speak for him, only for myself. This experience has taught me a lot about relationships and I believe I have learned ways to be a better partner. I hear him loud and clear that he felt neglected and I will do my best to be more aware to my partners needs, whether that is him or someone else. I said, I don't want to be alone anymore, I want someone in my life. I want S to see his mom loved by a man and to experience a full time family, so you can either believe nothing can change and we can go our separate ways, or you can at least give it a chance.

He threw some more stuff at me and I again said look, if you can't get past the past, then this is a lost cause and we would have our answer on what to do . I told him I have worked really hard to put the past behind me, I moved on, but I told him, you are still stuck back there! He said he wasn't hearing what he needed to hear. I asked him, what do you want from me? He said I need to know that I would matter and not be invisible again. I said I am not going to beg, and I honestly don't know if I can be the person you need, all I can say is I hear you and I have learned, I don't have a crystal ball but I know I am not the same person I was.

At one point he told me that it hurts to hear I am happier now than in years. I said that is because I am able to be me again. I didn't blame him for that, but I did tell him I felt very criticized and judged by him and his family, but more than anything, my happiness comes from a better more positive perception of things.

He expressed jealousy over bad boy friend, I assured him once again that nothing happened. we talked a little about dating and we both shared that neither of us have. He asked if I was set up with someone, another story fed to him I assume.

We touched on his parents a little, he says they miss me and wish I wouldn't shut them out. I expressed why I feel hurt by them.

It was actually a really good talk. A lot was said and shared, including that we miss each other. He said he has given up so much that he misses and he thinks about us and this situation all the time.

Soooo, We agreed to try going on some dates. HOWEVER, we are both skeptical. He worries I haven't changed and will always choose S over him. I worry that he can't let go of the past and that I will be under a microscope. We shared our concerns, but agreed it's worth a try.

When he left, he said he was glad to have talked, that it felt good for him to get so much out and that he felt it's a good start. He will take H for the day on Sunday (father's day) and we decided to see fireworks all together on the 4th. We didn't get any further on holidays, it's a wait and see thing.

So there you have it. I finally got my talk and I feel it was a good thing. It is very clear he is stuck, so we will see how that transpires. I know pushing too early is dangerous, but this talk really helped me in a few ways. First of all, I was able to get in his head a bit. Mostly, I saw inside of me. It's clear I am strong enough to walk away if this goes south. While listening to all his venting and criticising, I could see that girl he was describing. She is so 5 years ago! Then, I could see me, today, shining like a bright light. Strong, confidant and wise in new ways. I know I will be just fine, no matter what. He will either wake up and realize that, or it will be his loss.

Thanks for listening and hope you all are well. I hope to do some catch up on threads soon!