The Unpleasantness

[qt4x11]

I’ve spent the past several weeks as if in a low level panic attack. I’m noticing what feels like heart palpitations, I’m not sure if it’s just my imagination or if they are anything to be concerned about. I’m going to ask my doctor for a full physical when I go in next month.

I’m torn. Half of me still wants to reconcile with my wife, at this point more for the good of my children than love for my wife - although I still have love for my wife despite everything. The other half of me is more concerned with protecting myself legally and financially in the upcoming divorce. My lawyer is telling me that I should start taking withdrawing funds out of our shared business account, she needs to start ‘feeling it financially’. I think maybe the two impulses of wanting to reconcile and wanting to protect myself may be conflicting.

I wrote down my short term goals according to the DR book:
-more friendlier and relaxed interactions with my wife over text messages and phone
-more in person interactions between me and my wife
-continue with no pursuing behaviors to build trust

In this respect, I have made some progress, small progress but progress. I’ve been pretty good at being relaxed and non-pressuring in our interactions, while being friendly and open in our communications. On Tues., I gave her a small birthday present of movie tickets. ‘Take the kids and have fun, happy birthday’ I said. I got a note of thanks. On Sat., I was supposed to set up a time with my wife to go back to our house and pick up clothes and other things such as my guitar and toiletries. She texted me early in the morning.

-will you come by the house to pick up your stuff
-can you leave the garage door opener? i want to park the car in the garage and load my stuff in the trunk
-i’m out watching a movie with the kids, can you stop by later in the day?
-is it ok if we just do this some other day? i’m not in a hurry to get stuff from the house, I’m fine. I think I have too much stuff going on today anyway. I can stop by whenever’s convenient for you
-what about mon at 10?
-i have meetings for work every day between 9-11 fyi

The next day I text her
-pls tell the kids i love them and am thinking about them. tell them they can call me anytime
-ok son is sleeping and daughter is doing homework right now. they’ll call you later in the day

later in the day my kids call, and I have a longish conversation with daughter and son about homework and … crazy stuff my son is into (he’s 5). My wife texts me. She is asking me to do 2 extra things with the kids this week. Bring son to baseball and also pick them up from school on Tuesday and bring the to their therapy. She says she will meet us at their therapy to pick them up. She also says - if I have meetings every day from 9-11am, she can pick up the son and watch him while I’m in my meetings. I tell her, that’s not necessary as they’re phone meetings and I’m still working from home. Ok, that’s cool she says.

Later I realize that is progress - she is asking me to take on more responsibility with the kids than we’d originally agreed, and I realized she was asking me if I was interested in 2 additional meetings that would involve face to face interaction between us. I also think ‘pls tell the kids I love them and thinking of them’ was well received. It was the friendliest interaction we’ve had in a few weeks. I think me being so friendly and relaxed when we were together for two hours last week made a good impression.