Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo

[Phoebe]

So apparently it's time for my weekend tsunami crash. Back to the old crying thing again. I must have used up all of my bravery on Friday when I went to the L.

When my neighbor was here today he wondered aloud what I did to make H hate me so much. He told me that one day when I wasn't here, he asked H why he didn't work on a specific project himself while I was gone. H said "If I don't do it right, Phoebe will kill me." The thing is, I would have probably been really happy if H had taken charge of something. He just almost never did. Neighbor also said that whenever I wasn't around, H talked a lot, but if I was there, H acted like he had nothing to say.

That reminded me how H said that I made him feel inferior and like he was a little boy. I loved H and he plainly felt like I emasculated him and overshadowed him. It just feels sh1tty.

Every weekend this sadness hits me, triggered by one thing or another. Maybe because, even if he was away during the week, H was always here on the weekends. Weekends are always so much harder for me.

I'm just sad and scared and lonely today. Cue the 2x4s.