Quote: And I'm NOT talking about an LD/ND spouse who has an "epiphany" and realizes what their issues have been and then decides to MUTUALLY work on it, I'm talking about when only the HD partner initiates the journey and it results in both of them working at it, together.
Choc, I’m not sure I see the difference between the two. In my situation, I changed first, at least in the sense that I was not willing to continue the way we had been. H made the choice to work with me on the sex issue. It has hardly been a ‘walking into the sunset’ type situation. We have both had epiphanies. It is unclear who had them first. Why does it matter anyway?
Quote: It seems that even our Board's most noble heroes' successes are faux and short-lived. Every time someone supposedly "succeeds" at this, they come back later to tell us all that "it's over."
Well, I can think of several people here that have succeeded in finding balance and satisfaction in their relationships. This may not involve the LD spouse turning miraculously HD, and thus not “successful” as you would perhaps describe it.
Quote: Confrontration and self-improvement take courage and motivation. Some of us are looking for demonstrable successes to give us that courage and motivation we need to attack our marriage libido issues.
Choc, you are right that courage and motivation are required. However, ultimately, you are going to have to find that within yourself. Fwiw, it is possible to go from a sex-starved, emotionally disconnected relationship to a passionate, emotionally connected one. This is the course my marriage is taking.
It took courage, it took humility (this is a tough one for me), it took some growing up and letting go of a way of thinking that I had held dear, and finally – it took time. We are still working on it.
I saw your despondent posts and had to respond. I am not here to proclaim “success”, but do wish to give you hope. I would be glad to answer questions, but I am leaving for Europe tomorrow, so I may not respond until next week.
GEL said
Quote:
Very often though the R morphs into something mutually satisfactory that has a much better EC and isn't as focused on "sex" as the HD partner initially wanted it to be. Yes, the sex is there....but probably not at the frequency the HD person initially wanted, but the EC is much better...which makes for a better R.
GEL, you are exactly right. When I started out on fixing my SSM, I just wanted more sex, but I soon realized that sex without the EC is meaningless. Sex doesn’t create the EC, it enhances it. The EC is created by everything else in the relationship – respect, caring, sharing, listening, self-soothing etc.
Here’s a typical situation how the EC erodes – and what was involved in resurrecting it. Thanksgiving weekend was very busy in our house. H and I have a tendency to slip back into our old ways when family visits, and we work hard to overcome that. A couple of times during the weekend, I sat next to H or held his hand and felt rebuffed by his lack of reciprocity. Meanwhile, at some other point during the weekend, I made a cutting remark to H about the messy state of the garage in front of my sister. This hurt and angered him. In the past, we would have slid downhill from this point and totally lost the EC. Instead, we were able to continue to function well, and we talked at night. He felt that I still had repressed feelings that came out during unexpected times (not untrue given the earlier perceived rebuff), and I conceded that it was not okay to be disrespectful to him in public and apologize later in private. He, in turn, apologized for not responding to my physical overtures in public. He reached for me saying he wanted to have me, I told him to take me, we did go on to have passionate, connected sex. Later, H even used the words ‘raw sexual energy’ to describe the encounter. The connection was real, because we had both admitted vulnerability and accepted blame. The validation felt very real.
Lillie said
Quote: BUT ultimately your partner still has to be the one to change because they want to. One person changing certainly does change the dynamics of the R, but not necessarily in the direction of saving the R.
Lil, this is very true. There is no guarantee that the spouse will make the changes that the initiator is looking for. This is the key. As long as one is afraid that the spouse may choose to leave, it becomes impossible to break the gridlock. I know that in my case, the pain of staying in my marriage was rapidly becoming greater than the pain of possibly ending the marriage. I had reached the end of my rope, and was no longer afraid of what he would choose. All I knew was that I couldn’t continue in the miserable situation I found myself in.
