You are in as good a place as one could hope for at this point. You are handling it well all things considered.
Smart to have your brother accompany you with l. 50/50 divorces really take some weight off the mind. You are doing all of the right things to heal and progress. I would suggest adding some social interactions to your GAL as this will help you see life after all of this. Your list of progression is phenomenal and one you should have written down in a place that you can reference in tough moments.
Here is some additional information that I found helpful that you may add to your plan for healing and strength.
Check out Ted Talks by, Guy Winch Shawn Achor Brent Brown Matthieu Ricard Mindful Meditation has benefited me in controlling my thoughts.
Keep on the path you have journaled here. You are headed in the right direction. The road will contain more obstacles, but with each passing day that you put in the heavy lifting to heal, you will be more prepared.
Many LBS could learn a thing or two from you and your example. You have embraced so many good plans of action and habits in such a short time and this is why you will come out on the other side, strong, healed, a better person and a great dad.
You are in as good a place as one could hope for at this point. You are handling it well all things considered.
Smart to have your brother accompany you with l. 50/50 divorces really take some weight off the mind. You are doing all of the right things to heal and progress. I would suggest adding some social interactions to your GAL as this will help you see life after all of this. Your list of progression is phenomenal and one you should have written down in a place that you can reference in tough moments.
Here is some additional information that I found helpful that you may add to your plan for healing and strength.
Check out Ted Talks by, Guy Winch Shawn Achor Brent Brown Matthieu Ricard Mindful Meditation has benefited me in controlling my thoughts.
Keep on the path you have journaled here. You are headed in the right direction. The road will contain more obstacles, but with each passing day that you put in the heavy lifting to heal, you will be more prepared.
Many LBS could learn a thing or two from you and your example. You have embraced so many good plans of action and habits in such a short time and this is why you will come out on the other side, strong, healed, a better person and a great dad.
Keep up the good work my friend.
I think you mean BRENE Brown
I'd add Amy Cuddy.
Thanks darknes, yes Brene Brown is correct. Dang auto correct!
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Thank you - mindful meditation has already been a part of my life for the past 5 years. I've read a number of books by Jon Cabat Zinn, and do about 20 minutes mindful meditation a day, maybe I should do more. I also downloaded the Ted Talks app and will start checking out the ones you suggested.
Going go to work out now, then head off to a 12 step meeting. About the 'I'm sober now' I wrote - it's been 35 days for me, which is not a lot in the big scheme of things. Cold turkey has never been much of a problem as I've gone years without it in the past, then started again for some reason this January - because I thought I was in a 'much better place and could handle it in moderation' - this is the main cause of my current marital problems. It blew apart my wife's trust in me and caused her great distress - despite the fact that the amount I do is very minimal, it is a progressive disease - and it caused me to lie and become irritable and secretive. I'm never doing it again, whatever happens. I hate it so much.
Have a good day everyone, you're in my thoughts.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
Brene Brown has some AMAZING material. Stumbled upon her listening to Tim Ferriss interview, and she is wonderful. I haven't heard of the others, but I'm a huge TED fan, I will definitely check them out.
Make staying sober a priority for you. Good job in the ways you've come.
MC will not work unless the wayward spouse is ready to do whatever it takes to reconcile the M.
Is there a visitation schedule in place? It should not be just when it's convenient for her.
Sandi- Actually I have 40 days sober, I miscounted. It has never been a huge deal for me, I could always take it or leave it and I've had years sober before - it was the lying that killed her trust in me. Yes - visitation is 7 out or 14 days every two weeks.
Wed + Thurs including overnights every week Friday - Monday morning weekends every other week Plus I have to take them to school every morning
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I’ve spent the past several weeks as if in a low level panic attack. I’m noticing what feels like heart palpitations, I’m not sure if it’s just my imagination or if they are anything to be concerned about. I’m going to ask my doctor for a full physical when I go in next month.
I’m torn. Half of me still wants to reconcile with my wife, at this point more for the good of my children than love for my wife - although I still have love for my wife despite everything. The other half of me is more concerned with protecting myself legally and financially in the upcoming divorce. My lawyer is telling me that I should start taking withdrawing funds out of our shared business account, she needs to start ‘feeling it financially’. I think maybe the two impulses of wanting to reconcile and wanting to protect myself may be conflicting.
I wrote down my short term goals according to the DR book: -more friendlier and relaxed interactions with my wife over text messages and phone -more in person interactions between me and my wife -continue with no pursuing behaviors to build trust
In this respect, I have made some progress, small progress but progress. I’ve been pretty good at being relaxed and non-pressuring in our interactions, while being friendly and open in our communications. On Tues., I gave her a small birthday present of movie tickets. ‘Take the kids and have fun, happy birthday’ I said. I got a note of thanks. On Sat., I was supposed to set up a time with my wife to go back to our house and pick up clothes and other things such as my guitar and toiletries. She texted me early in the morning.
-will you come by the house to pick up your stuff -can you leave the garage door opener? i want to park the car in the garage and load my stuff in the trunk -i’m out watching a movie with the kids, can you stop by later in the day? -is it ok if we just do this some other day? i’m not in a hurry to get stuff from the house, I’m fine. I think I have too much stuff going on today anyway. I can stop by whenever’s convenient for you -what about mon at 10? -i have meetings for work every day between 9-11 fyi
The next day I text her -pls tell the kids i love them and am thinking about them. tell them they can call me anytime -ok son is sleeping and daughter is doing homework right now. they’ll call you later in the day
later in the day my kids call, and I have a longish conversation with daughter and son about homework and … crazy stuff my son is into (he’s 5). My wife texts me. She is asking me to do 2 extra things with the kids this week. Bring son to baseball and also pick them up from school on Tuesday and bring the to their therapy. She says she will meet us at their therapy to pick them up. She also says - if I have meetings every day from 9-11am, she can pick up the son and watch him while I’m in my meetings. I tell her, that’s not necessary as they’re phone meetings and I’m still working from home. Ok, that’s cool she says.
Later I realize that is progress - she is asking me to take on more responsibility with the kids than we’d originally agreed, and I realized she was asking me if I was interested in 2 additional meetings that would involve face to face interaction between us. I also think ‘pls tell the kids I love them and thinking of them’ was well received. It was the friendliest interaction we’ve had in a few weeks. I think me being so friendly and relaxed when we were together for two hours last week made a good impression.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
I am so glad she is talking to you. Mine won't even do that. You might actually even be able to save your marriage, I guess your wife is not as crazy as mine, lucky you. I hope things improve, keeps us updated.
Take daughter to school this morning, come home and have a work phone meeting and an hour phone call with my DR coach. I tell her everything I’ve written in this thread over the past week and she agrees that I have been doing great especially given everything that has happened after the filing. DR coach’s advice is
-focus on improving our friendship, continue to be relaxed respectful and cheerful around wife, exercise self control -don’t make the situation work with pursuing behaviors -make your kids the first priority -be consistent in your efforts -focus on small steps
She agrees that I’ve actually made some real progress. Our conversation is very friendly and relaxed now. She no longer avoids seeing me in person, and when we see each other in person she no longer appears extremely mad at me. It seems we are on friendly terms again. There are little things happening that seem like I am gaining her trust. She asks me to run extra errands for her. She has given me the garage door opener.
Back at work today, trying to stay focused. Worked out. Meditated. Made it to a 12 step meeting. Going to do a little more work tonight, then have dinner and watch Sherlock with my brother. Feeling a little better emotionally, was able to keep it light and relaxed around wife today during face to face interactions - but later on started feeling down again at my situation. Started browsing divorce message boards, reddit, this board I’m going to try to limit the amount of surfing for divorce forums going forwards - it just tends to make me depressed in general. Going to get my guitar back soon, when I do I’ll try to play guitar instead of wallowing in self pity.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
