So what CeMar is looking for (and frankly, I am too), are examples of where the HD partner "changes themselves for the better," and then the LD/ND spouse is forced to make changes as a result. And I'm NOT talking about an LD/ND spouse who has an "epiphany" and realizes what their issues have been and then decides to MUTUALLY work on it, I'm talking about when only the HD partner initiates the journey and it results in both of them working at it, together.
Define "changes themselves for the better".
NOP worked on our sexual discrepancy issues for a solid *2 years*.
I didn't have an epiphany. I was, at best, a very reluctant partner. We argued more in those 2 years than in the 25 that proceeded it. As those 2 years progressed, what NOP made clear was *this issue was not going to go away*.
The following is my personal opinion based on observing posts, going back and reading people's past histories and reading from other boards.
There is no one discussion fixes all. There is not even a "one discussion per year" that will accomplish a change. It would be nice if you could express your desires, weep your tears, keen with your unhappiness and our spouses would rush forward to satisfy us. But that doesn't often happen. If you want change, someone must keep pushing.
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It seems that even our Board's most noble heroes' successes are faux and short-lived. Every time someone supposedly "succeeds" at this, they come back later to tell us all that "it's over."
Confrontration and self-improvement take courage and motivation. Some of us are looking for demonstrable successes to give us that courage and motivation we need to attack our marriage libido issues.
I'm sorry, but I just don't see any. I honestly wish I did, but I don't.
I think you must take into consideration that this forum is composed of what would be considered the hard-core cases. It is self-selected primarily by folks who have been in long-term relationships who haven't been able to reach a place of compromise. Most of us are at the other end of the bellcurve with some folks who have sex less than a dozen times a decade. Take that into consideration when trying to extrapolate a percentage of success. Those with less entrenched issues read, post a few times and head on into the sunset. It's like reading a forum for quadraplegics and wondering where all the marathon runners. are.
What I see is this. Spouses with higher drives who want their lower drive spouses to push past their own comfort zone and participate sexually and sensually with the HD spouse.
When you are lower drive, being lower drive can very much be a part of your core personality. So, like it or not, you are asking your spouse to alter something they perceive as *being* themself.
How easy is that to do? Well, ask yourself that - (rhetorical questions follow)
How easy is it for you to stand up for yourself when your spouse is assaulting you verbally? Or when s/he is turning the house topsy-turvy 'cause they had a bad day or the kids have been difficult?
How easy is it for you to push past your own passivity and engage your spouse into ongoing uncomfortable interactions when things have been peaceful (because you have chosen to bury your own desires)?
How easy is it for you to keep pushing an issue when everything within you believes that you shouldn't have to? When you think they should do it just because they love you?
How easy is it for you to be financially responsible, or fiscally conservative, or financially more carefree?
How easy is it for you to be assertive, even agressive?
How easy is it for you to be coy and play hard to get?
How easy is it for you to quell your anger and deal with issues in a mature, calm fashion?
How well are you dealing with your desire for your LD spouse to initiate, instead of always having to be the one to do so?
