Just a Vanilla Change 30

[Vanilla]

I sometimes ask myself "when will I be over this? "

There have been times in the last couple of years when I simply did not want to be and did not want to be me. Where the easiest thing would be to sleep forever.

I know my feelings and thoughts are down to who I am. And it isn't good and I want to heal from abuse. Sometimes it loops though.

I can be compassionate to others whilst being tough on me. Tougher than xWH has been in some areas. The PTSD and self talk are destructive some times. It is getting in the way of healing. I keep holding xWH words in my mind.

I can't change what happened and it keeps rehashing and revisiting in this destructive mechanism.

I have relieved myself of the burden of his awful behaviour and I make this very difficult for myself. I blame myself often enough, not for xWH behaviour but for my own response.

I am holding myself accountable for 'crimes' which are not mine, found myself guilty and given myself unfounded false convictions. It's fake guilt, and behaves like the real thing. It's imaginary.

I think feeling ill, unwell is confused with being bad.

It stops me from taking action, I think it confuses me with real action. As if feeling imaginary guilt is an action of its own.

Keeps me chained to the past and I prefer to live in the present. Is this a wrong? Really?

I feel a little stuck at this point.

Rather unmotivated.

V