hoosiermama? I AM!!

[hoosiermama]

Whatisis: I tried desperately to cling to my faith. I think part of the problem was that the same week my xH left, I found out my ministry job was ending because of jealousy and sabotage by another staff member. Two very significant betrayals in one week; one cost me my marriage, the other my community. I have never been able to connect with another parish in which I felt safe/comfortable, nor another denomination that felt right. I did what I could--spiritual direction, reading, attempts to connect...just haven't been able to, and I don't see it happening now. It's been such an uphill battle otherwise financially and health-wise; I've had a couple of jobs that were outright hostile environments. It's been very difficult to reconcile the concept of a loving God with ongoing pain and isolation. It's hard to beg for bread and be given a stone repeatedly and keep believing in some kind of divine kindness. I've seen it in other people, and I kept thinking my day was coming too--if I kept doing all the right things--but it just seems absurd at this point. I needed it badly, needed the sense of belonging and connection, and chased it persistently. I just don't have the energy to keep chasing. It's ironic--for 7 years I did pastoral/health ministry and did my best to help people not fall into this position, did everything I could to support outreach and reconciliation with conscious intention. I have no doubt God exists. I just have no sense s/he is aware that I do.