Back but for a different reason

[ClingingToHope]

I was on here all the time in 2009, 2010 and 2011 as my marriage headed to divorce. Then I was gone for a long time before returning during a 2 1/2-year relationship with a community college professor.

Now I'm back because I have nowhere else to turn.

The synoposis.

I used to work for a newspaper - it was a 22-year career - that got hit by the double-whammy of the Internet and then the divorce.

All of a sudden being buried in debt from the XW and having child support, I wasn't making enough money to meet basic living expenses. Instead of wallowing in pity, I began to take on a series of side jobs. I've worked running races, sorted packages for UPS at 2 a.m., umpired, kept score at basketball games, done bookkeeping, written grants, been a blogwriter.

I routinely began working 80 hours a week, but only 35 or so at the newspaper where I was on salary. There was no incentive for me to stay late there because my pay was the same.

Before the divorce, I was a top performer. I won several awards and was routinely coming up with new ways to gather and keep and write about info.

After the divorce, I spent most of my free time trying to figure out how to make more money.

The newspaper industry is crumbling and they kept pushing me for more hours, I kept pushing back. Finally, in August 2014, they fired me.

It was painful, but I figured I'd land on my feet quickly. I knew all of the important businessmen in town.

I then began making major miscalculations. A bank was interested in hiring me, but at the same time a financial advising place was talking to me as well. The financial advisory place talked about how if I did well I'd have my own office and work just three days a week. The bank was more of a set salary but the pay starting out would be less than the newspaper.

I went with the financial advisory job, passed the securities tests ... and then flopped. There were a variety of reasons, but the main was it was going to take 80 to 100 hours a week for several years to build a business and a lot of rejection. And I struggled with that.

After getting dropped from that firm, I joined a non-profit insurance/financial advisory place, but I stayed there for just six weeks. I was hoping it was actual financial advice, but when I went for training I found out it was 90 percent insurance sales.

There is nothing wrong with selling insurance. But you have to respect yourself when you look in the mirror. My dad was a plant manager with a drinking problem. After my mom divorced him, he eventually fell off the wagon, lost his career and spent the last few years of his life .... selling insurance.

In June 2015, the leader of the business college of the local university convinced me to try this internship program with the largest company in town. This company -- in the aerospace business -- is only hiring non-engineering people through the college's MBA program. It pays $50k-$60k while you are finishing the MBA, but it has no benefits.

Still, I could see myself in the mirror working for that company.

My first interview nothing happened. Then I got a second interview and at that point I quit the insurance company. I never actually sat down with anyone. I couldn't bring myself to make the appointments.

At the second interview, I got offered an internship. That was June 29, 2015. I was so, so, so, so, so, so, so relieved. Finally a direction.

I was supposed to start either July 6 or July 13. On July 2, in class, a couple of people from the company were talking about the hiring freeze. What hiring freeze, I asked?

I talked to the head of the MBA program. He said it shouldn't concern me. As an intern, I'm not official head count. I wouldn't be a part of it.

On July 3, I called the lady who hired me to check on my start date. She said the freeze did affect me and she couldn't bring me on board. There was no guarantee she could ever bring me on board.

So back to limbo -- and no unemployment benefits because I quit the insurance company.

Then I caught a break. The richest man in town called me and asked me to work fulltime for a few weeks researching a project the city was pushing. He was against it. I spent most of July and August, working from home, doing enough to justify my existence and earning about what I made at the newspaper. It was awesome.

It was also temporary. By September, I was running out of things to research and I was unable to derail the project. In October, I was looking at no income -- and no changes at the aerospace company. So I got certified as a substitute teacher and began subbing in my daughters' school district.

So that was at least something. Not much. $90 per day. But I was spending lots of extra time with my girls. Through other connections, I landed some consulting work. One with a jail ministry and then a larger deal with the largest local school district. I pitched an idea of researching prominent almuni for them. They didn't have anyone on staff and I figured I could find hundreds through LinkedIn and Facebook.

So by February, I'm doing OK. No change at the aerospace company but I've got enough money coming in from the side things that it was OK.

In April, the bottom dropped out. A new executive director came in for the jail ministry. He hadn't hired me and he's not a money guy. The ministry started to struggle financially and there goes my deal.

The school district was a bigger problem. I was surpassing all my benchmarks on finding people, but one of the school board members complained about the project. Why were they doing it? Where's the actual campaign. So the communications department "suspended" the project.

I read the contract. There was no provision for that. But it was either allow them to suspend it for a few months or cancel it entirely with two months pay. So I'm on a suspension.

Then the school year ran out. No more subbing.

I have been looking for other opportunities all along. I was even a finalist for a college job in March. That went to someone else though.

Hiring is loosening up at the aerospace firm. I've been called in for two interviews. I didn't get one and haven't heard about the other. I'm not applying for EVERY internship on the job board that's not engineering or finance related.

I had two other interviews. One with the school district that I was subbing with for a communications job. It would have been absolutely the perfect job for me and I was a finalist. But it paid just $15 an hour because it was classified as a secretarial position. In the end, they picked a fresh out of college graduate because they figured I wouldn't stay long.

I also interviewed with a regional bank president looking to hire someone as a relationship banker. I think I'd be good at that. He said I'd be good at that. He said he'd talk to a branch manager with the opening near my house and get back to me.

That was 10 days ago. I emailed, thanking him for seeing me and asking about next steps. Then nothing.

That's the background. During the school year, I was so busy subbing and doing side stuff, my mind was occupied.

The first week of summer, I had three interviews so I had something to look forward to.

The second week of summer, I started an online graduate course in data science. I can get a graduate certificate in data mining. That I would love to do and everything I read says it's an exploding field. I just need training on my resume.

As far as money. I pulled $4,000 out of my dwingling 401k. I now just have $10k left. I'm paying myself $400 a week for the summer. I had some money come in in late May from my contracting work and I did a lot umpiring in April and May so I actually had a decent amount of cash heading into summer break.

Still. That will run out eventually.

And now, with all this free time, I am ... absolutely ... freaking .... out.

Seriously, everyone tells me it's just a matter of time. And there are times I realize that. I have a college degree. I'm getting a Masters. I have no record. Someone has to give me a chance.

But no one has so far. Now I'm applying for everything that would fit in my schedule with the girls. All banking jobs. All communications jobs. H*ll, I've applied for the post office and have an interview on June 21.

I'm 47 years old and I feel like it's been a continual slide to oblivion since 2009. The college professor, she broke up with me in March 2015 after it didn't work out with the financial advisory firm. Unlike the divorce, I was over that in a day. My daughters were more attached to her than I was.

Still, I look around now and really struggle mentally. No career. No relationship. At least I have my health right?

And now the clock is ticking. In June 2016, the XW says she's moving with her baby daddy and 2-year-old to his tiny hometown about 25 minutes northwest of here.

I could care less about XW and the baby daddy. I've been fighting this though for a few years because it was cut my time with my girls to about 15 percent.

Now though they are old enough to say they won't go and XW isn't going to make them. She says, and they confirmed this, that they can come live with me.

I started doing backflips. This is what I've always wanted. But now I HAVE to get a career direction. And it has to be enough to afford them and be able to be home at night.

So that's on my mind as well.

Some people can just trust. They just trust it will all work out. And I've had those moments. I've been in some really tight spots and then something broke for me.

But it's never been anything permanent. I'm having problems trusting it will be OK. I'm giving up hope.