Spent Wed and Thurs with the kids, I’m still an emotional wreck but trying to keep it together and not let them see. My kids are young and are a handful, so in a sense they are a good distraction while also being a constant reminder. Dropped them off at school on Friday morning, came home and spent the morning preparing for first meeting with the lawyer - mainly financial information he may ask for, and some questions I had about moving forward with the petition. My brother came with me. I’m living with my brother right now, and his attitude towards what is going on with us has evolved from - wanting to put in a good word for me with her and wanting us to get back together, to absolutely hating my W at this point for what she is doing to me and my kids. At this point my brother is mainly concerned that I am protecting my financial interests. I ask my brother to accompany me to the meeting with my lawyer, because I’m not thinking straight right now and I need someone I trust to be an extra set of ears in case I miss something or make a bad decision.
The lawyer meeting went really well - it is in fact, the only thing that has gone well in the past several weeks. At the very least - if things go totally south, I’m no longer freaking out about the possibility of losing full custody of my kids or losing my money in a lopsided financial settlement. My lawyer is pretty expensive - but he’s a shark, which is I guess what you want. He basically says - this is very clearly a 50 50 case. That I will get 50% custody of the kids, along with a 50% financial settlement - and maybe even get to keep the house depending on how much our business is evaluated for. This is a huge weight off my shoulders, a huge weight off my brothers shoulders too. He says - no matter what happens, I’m no longer worried about you losing custody of the kids or having to pay huge alimony, or losing your house. So financially and custody wise I’m good.
Emotionally, I’m still pretty much a wreck. I’ve been reading DR, journaling, meditating, trying to get myself together. It’s 72 hours since I got the papers - the initial, absolute panic has subsided - it has been replaced by a sadness and a sense of dread and fear that everything seems to be moving so fast. It has only been a little more than a month since I left the house to stay at my brothers, and only a week and a half since she last said she was ready to start going to marriage counseling. Since she said she was ready to start going to marriage counseling she has suddenly completely changed her mind and is now plowing ahead with her lawyers with the legal motions. My head is spinning. On top of everything, I have to deal with seeing my kids again after 3 weeks and how thats eating me inside emotionally. I have to deal with my highly stressful job that I still have to pay attention to. I am still sleeping on my brother’s couch. Just 4 weeks ago, I was at home, with my head in my wife’s lap watching tv, happy sleeping children in the next room and all was right with the world. Now my world is upside down, I can’t go back to my own home again, and the person I love and trust the most has become a cold vindictive stranger to me.
I binge watch tv shows (Sherlock, House of Cards), I go for long walks and work out at the gym, I read the DR book, I go to 12 step meetings and see my therapist now several times a week. I try to concentrate on work. There is a lot of talk about ‘becoming a better person’. Well I’m sober and going to 12 step meetings, that’s better. I don’t lie anymore, about anything, that’s better. I’m a more attentive and loving father, that’s better. I’m closer to my friends and family. That’s progress.
Do I still have hope for a reconciliation? I have less, and I have less love for my ex after all she’s done. That hope has been replaced with a sense of self preservation, I have to think about protecting my interests in the divorce proceedings. I just don’t want things to get any uglier than they already have.
Me-45, W-37, T-10 yrs, M-9 yrs D -7 yrs, S-5 yrs BD-5/3/16, D filed 6/8/16
