Anyone have a success story under the following conditions:
Hd man willing to make changes, ND female that has little to no motivation to change, and the end result is a PM? There is soe success with LD women that actually "Get It", but what about the ND women that "Don't get it". Any success story under these conditions would be GREAT motivation for me.
How about success stories for HD guys who just don't "get it"? Nope, Didn't think so.
Cemar, it is all about changing yourself. You change yourself for the better, and she'll be forced to change. What have you done so far to improve the situation at home? I know you've been asked this many times, yet I am not aware of a single time where you have answered it. I really get the feeling you are here just looking for sympathy and someone to gripe to, not to figure out how to make the situation better for yourself. Nearly everyone on this board has given you good advice at some point, yet you show no evidence of taking any of it to heart. There is no magic portion to make her desire you. You need to make yourself desirable to her before that happens, which means that YOU have to change, not her.
Again, I am looking for just ONE FREAKING case where the result was successfull! Show me one ND women that actually changed because of what her husband did. This would definitely encourage me to try harder.
I doubt any have changed because of what her husband did. Several on the board here have changed for themselves, perhaps as a result of their H changing, but not because of something their H did. YOU CAN'T CHANGE HER. Only she can do that. You can change yourself to make yourself more desirable, happier, more attractive etc. That doesn't change her, but it will give her the encouragement to change. What have you done to improve yourself? I know that question has been asked of you multiple times here, but I don't recall ever seeing an answer.
If you are miserable (it seems you are), then it is up to you to change yourself or your situation to alleviate the misery, or else just put up with it. Those are your feelings, and nobody but you owns them, and nobody but you can do squat about them.
Sorry, but I'm with CeMar on this one. You yourself just said:
Quote: Cemar, it is all about changing yourself. You change yourself for the better, and she'll be forced to change.
So what CeMar is looking for (and frankly, I am too), are examples of where the HD partner "changes themselves for the better," and then the LD/ND spouse is forced to make changes as a result. And I'm NOT talking about an LD/ND spouse who has an "epiphany" and realizes what their issues have been and then decides to MUTUALLY work on it, I'm talking about when only the HD partner initiates the journey and it results in both of them working at it, together.
It seems that even our Board's most noble heroes' successes are faux and short-lived. Every time someone supposedly "succeeds" at this, they come back later to tell us all that "it's over."
Confrontration and self-improvement take courage and motivation. Some of us are looking for demonstrable successes to give us that courage and motivation we need to attack our marriage libido issues.
I'm sorry, but I just don't see any. I honestly wish I did, but I don't.
Does anyone else besides me hear the static and skip of a broken record here?
CeMar, you still seem to be searching for a guarantee that something WILL work for you before you try it. NO ONE can give you that guarantee. You have got to take a goooooood look at yourself CeMar. We've all been telling you the same things.....your wife isn't ND, but you aren't attractive to her (for whatever reason). It's probably not anything physical about you that she finds unattractive either or that's keeping her at arms length from you.....it's most likely your behavior and attitude (things you have control over).
But what you seem to keep looking for is a guarantee that something is going to be a permanent solution for you if you do it. We can't give you that. There are things people have done here that have given them results, no one here can say that those results will be permanent because we don't know that they will be....there is no guarantee that they will be.
You still don't respond though to us when we ask what YOU are doing, what things you are trying. You have been on here over a year, you still give attitude, you are still focused on HER, HER, HER and what you can do to change HER not what you can do to change you (which might result in a shift in your relationship dynamics), you still don't answer our direct questions.....are you wondering why the responses to your posts are dwindling drastically? It's because you aren't listening, and I'm sure I'm not the only one getting tired of repeating myself.
Choc,
There are going to be instances where the other person doesn't become more motivated sexually or intimatly. But I guess in my mind...the other person won't be motivated until we as the HD partner do something to wake them up to the issue and motivate them. Sometimes that means making changes within ourselves, GAL, stop taking their bait, be a stronger person etc. Sometimes that means setting consequences/boundaries and holding to those so they see what's at stake. Sure some of us have had progress and then setbacks....but even in me, right now, in my state of emotional flu....I have seen progress. It's been slow, but my R isn't where it was when I first joined this board....in all fairness to my H I have seen him make efforts. Right now, I've withdrawn, true enough.....but my withdrawl is drawing him out as well.
Quote: And I'm NOT talking about an LD/ND spouse who has an "epiphany" and realizes what their issues have been and then decides to MUTUALLY work on it, I'm talking about when only the HD partner initiates the journey and it results in both of them working at it, together.
Well, someone has to initiate the journey.
Why can't it be the HD partner who does it and it results in an epiphany for the LD partner and a mutual desire to work on the M?
Quote: Choc, There are going to be instances where the other person doesn't become more motivated sexually or intimatly.
GEL, I'm looking for instances where they do. ANY ongoing successes where the changes were lasting, and precipitated by only ONE of the spouses "getting it" and starting the ball rolling. All I've EVER seen on here are very few successes, and these seem to SOLELY be ones where BOTH the husband and wife realize they have a problem, are willing to work on it, and attack it -- together (see NOPs').
The so-called "successes" that were started SOLELY by the higher-desire spouse just never seem to work, other than short-term, and usually involve the HD spouse hitting the "end of their rope" and threatening to leave.
That's just my observation; please correct me if I'm wrong.
There have been a couple of success stories I have seen, but those people no longer come here, or rarely visit anymore....cuz they don't need to. But I believe those successes were prompted by the person (as I recall generally the HD) doing the things many of us have mentioned that eventually did lead to the other person "getting it". Very often though the R morphs into something mutually satisfactory that has a much better EC and isn't as focused on "sex" as the HD partner intially wanted it to be. Yes, the sex is there....but probably not at the frequency the HD person initially wanted, but the EC is much better...which makes for a better R. Now, if that's not your idea of success then I don't think I could say I've seen many successes....but for me, that would be a HUGE SUCCESS!
But what you said is that you want instances where they do have a success where one of the spouses got the ball rolling....The NOP's. I believe Mr.NOP's (correct me if I'm wrong guys) got the ball rolling....then eventually with work, with communication, with change on Mr.Nop's part...Mrs.Nop's eventually started making changes as well. You can see for yourself what a wonderful R they now share.
But as you said yourself....one person has to get the ball rolling. Isn't it our responsibility as the HD spouse with the issue (afterall the other S doesn't think it's an issue) to get that ball rolling, in whatever manner it takes, if we value our M's as so many of us do?
