My wife walked out 2

[sandi2]

It comes with the territory of being a WW. Just read the same thing in KyleR's thread today.

[RSG]

It's disgusting and abhorrent. I'm getting better at not offering pictures, Facetime, etc and making her remember. Of course, she's barely initiating. She missed him terribly at first, but doesn't seem to nearly as much. It's amazing. All her preaching about "putting S first" and this is what's happening.

Obviously the woman I love is MIA. It's starting to make me angry.....

[cbtdad]

I understand your anger. Your WW is in an A fog. It isn't her.
RSG, I had a WW over 3 years ago. I could not believe the things she was doing and saying. Once she went to a horse show and went 10 days without seeing our S. The W I knew before OM would have never ever done that. Your W isn't the same person right now. The quicker you 100 percent understand that the better you will be able to control your emotions

[Coconut]

Good morning RSG, CBT nailed it, it's not your wife, it's all about her right now. I don't have much to say, just wanted to stop bye and see how your doing. Any plans for the weekend?

There is a BBQ competition downtown today, I'll be leaving in a couple of hours and spending the better part of the day there, then going out tonight to play pool with a bunch of friends.. I've decided that for my M to really flourish I need to emotionally detach from my W, and work on GAL, like really getting my own life.. So even though she is not doing anything tonight, I made my own plans instead of trying to plan something with her. Things are going ok with us, but I really want to become the me that will make her go crazy because she wants me so bad, and so confident and happy with myself, that if that was to ever change, it wouldn't affect my own happiness.

[RSG]

This is for you and CBT both I reckon.

I'm not quite 100% on it, but you'll both be pleased to know it continues to grow. More than 75% right now. It has helped my emotions for sure. Saw her today for pool time with S. I was totally determined not to talk about anything other than S, and I didn't. She was very strange. Only wanted to get in the pool for about 10 minutes with him, then laid out with a magazine. She didn't talk very much and was very put out with some of his antics (he has this bad habit of screaming if he doesn't get his way, part of his speech delay I think) in a mean fashion I only noticed over the past few months. It's more pronounced now, or I'm just more cognizant of it.

After she left, she called and asked if I thought his actions were because of her. I was honest (and unemotional) in saying that I believed it was him acting out to get her attention. He sees her for a limited time, compared with 24/7 he's used to, and wants all the attention he can get. He's also happier to see me than ever. She said "I'm not looking for emotional support, just strategies for S." Oh, and it's working. She asked all about the Meetup I went to (hard to lie to someone's face when they ask you 3 times where you're going, so she knew), how many people, if I'm going to another, etc.

Also mentioned she feels the flu coming on again. Her immune system is in horrible shape, and said she might get a flu test. I know it's stress.

All that said, I'm in pretty good shape. I have S tonight and will be taking him to my folks tomorrow, and eating supper with them. This week, I'm going to visit my buddy who's a bartender at O'Charley's. Also, when WW gets off from jury duty we're supposed to visit a preschool or two. Beyond that, I need to clean around the house, read the relevant parts of DR again, do my own reading I've drifted away from due to emotions, take longer walks with my dog for exercise and possibly start playing golf again. Yes, I stink, and stopped playing once I became a Daddy so I'll be back at square one lol!

Thx for stopping by, I appreciate you guys!! Y'all have a great weekend.

[Coconut]

1.This is for you and CBT both I reckon.

2. Oh, and it's working.

3. She asked all about the Meetup I went to (hard to lie to someone's face when they ask you 3 times where you're going, so she knew), how many people, if I'm going to another, etc

1. Lol, CBT is my doppleganger, one and the same, if you write to one it will resonate with the other.

2. It's only working if your getting the joy out of it, it's not for her, and if you think about how she will react, then your doing it for her and it's not working.

3. Don't lie, it's not about deceit, it's just about doing you, and she doesn't get to share you. You can tell her as much or as little as you want, she walked away from the priveledge of knowing everything, now it's just about what you are comfortable letting her know. You should feel like your neighbor is asking you questions, how much do u want to tell them?


And about the "pool time", are you doing it for you, or are you doing it because she's there? I know that you do pool time with just S, but if your sticking around just because she's there, stop sticking around. Go find something else to do, tell her you got plans when she shows up for pool time, tell her to have a good time with S and leave.

[RSG]

I guess I'll address these as you had them.

1) You guys are silly!

2) Yes, it's for me. I can keep up a George Costanza like scenario around strangers, but I'm an open book around the people that know me. If she suspected I was putting on an act, she would bust me cold.

3) Gotcha. She asked if I was doing any more meetup stuff, and I gave a pretty truthful answer. Not sure, and listed a couple things I saw was going on. She's interested in what I'm doing because my demeanor has changed. (More below)

4) Doing pool time for S, so he can have Mom and Dad around at the same time. No talk other than S related, unless she wants to initiate and I become the lighthouse. Never throwing out stuff about myself, only sharing when directly asked.

My demeanor has changed because I've accepted 2 things:

1) My marriage to this woman is over. I don't want to be married to the woman I see, because she's not the woman I love. She's not nearly as good of a Mom, is cold, nonsensical and selfish. My job is to work on me, be a lighthouse and be Daddy.

2) I've accepted that this is not my fault, and that this is about her. She took months to change into this strange person, and she won't change back in a few weeks. I can't fix it, and trying will only make sure she pushes D ASAP.

It hasn't been easy, but I've gotten to a good place.

[RSG]

After refusing to Facetime last night ("I didn't charge my phone, don't worry about it), she took until 10AM to ask about S. I was scolded for not offering up info. You know, like a H would do for his loving W. She says she does a good job keeping me informed, and I should be a better communicator. I said I always ask about him, his day, what he ate, Facetime in AM and PM, etc and whenever she asks I offer similar info. I think that's a good job of enforcing a boundary?
Info will not be offered, it must be requested. If you want instant info, you can come home. Otherwise, WW can't play family and get constant updates. I know it's something I HAVE to keep up. She has to know what she's missing.

Anyone got critiques of my stance, please throw them my way!

[sandi2]

After refusing to Facetime last night ("I didn't charge my phone, don't worry about it), she took until 10AM to ask about S. I was scolded for not offering up info. You know, like a H would do for his loving W. She says she does a good job keeping me informed, and I should be a better communicator. I said I always ask about him, his day, what he ate, Facetime in AM and PM, etc and whenever she asks I offer similar info. I think that's a good job of enforcing a boundary?
Info will not be offered, it must be requested. If you want instant info, you can come home. Otherwise, WW can't play family and get constant updates. I know it's something I HAVE to keep up. She has to know what she's missing.

My suggestion is first of all, stop allowing her to scold you! However, you need to bear in mind that you don't get to scold her either. The next time she starts in on you, stop her immediately. Tell her you are an adult, not her child, and you will not be scolded by her. If she continues, you hang up the phone and refuse to talk to her any further that day/night. (That is an effective boundary).

You can go even further by informing your W that as a separated couple, you are not required to play family with her (and use those words). Tell her that you will not be giving her updates throughout the time you have your son. Tell her the only time you will contact her will be if it's very necessary. (But bear in mind, it goes both ways). Stop giving her cake to eat.

She has given up her rights to know what you do in your private life. Stop telling her what she wants to know. Give very vague answers, as if she's a nosy neighbor.

[RSG]

Wow, Sandi always coming out hard core!

The first one I can do. She'll be very surprised if I actually hang up on her, but it's something that should be done. As for the second, that'd be really hard as I know she'd reciprocate and I wouldn't get to see my son like I want to.

I try to be vague in what I say, especially when it comes to what I'm doing or how I feel.

I had a great afternoon with my folks yesterday. S was just smiling the entire time, chatting, enjoy his grandparents. Put a big smile on my face. Mom just reiterated that this isn't my fault, said she's praying for all of us (especially S) and hopes WW gets her head right somehow. He's going to be there all week, so I'm going to have a week alone. Hopefully I have enough stuff going on to keep going!