I am sorry. He is not respecting any of your boundaries. Please let your emotions flow through you and remember to focus on you and your 3 children. Time will heal your pain. Until he respects your boundaries try to stay NC.
Sending you hugs today.
(((Sadsara)))
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
JksD, He told me I was inadequate to make him happy. He said he cared for me but did not love me, that he loves OW and misses her terribly. He was so angry, even cursed at me and yelled. All because I "betrayed" him by screaming at hims and threatening exposure again.
SS, I'm sorry you're dealing with this kind of crazy antics. We all have a lot to deal with, and everyone's 'crazy' is a little bit different from sitch to sitch... I'm with you (as others on here), to work through this together. As much as you may feel it at times, you are not alone in this battle.
I'm not usually one to critique other's actions on here... and I MAY be wrong here, but I'd suggest that "threatening" exposure of the A is not a good idea. I would not do that anymore, at all. I thought about this long and hard, read a lot about it, and found that IF you are going to expose.. DO IT, don't talk about it. There is a book out there by Dr. Harley about Surviving affairs, you'll find it if you look. It provides a great outline of, IF, you are going to expose, how to do it with the best effect possible. I'd recommend you take a look...
However, in the meantime, stick to your boundaries, even if they aren't being respected, and if he continues to break them, stand strong, dig in with your heels and find a plan of action to take for when they are broken.
I'm so sorry you're here and struggling with this. Stay strong.
It was stupid of me to threaten exposure, it was exactly that action last time that resulted in him becoming completely cruel to me.It was a moment of weakness and I was hurting sooo bad, he had just told me he loved her and missed her. I wanted him to feel something like the panic/pain/chaos I was experiencing. I actually apologized shortly after but now he's latched onto that and says it's the reason he hates me.
I kind of up and down from minute to minute now. I can't maintain NC because he's coming on Monday for his off week and will be taking care of the kids. (nanny has that week off or she'll quit) I am floundering. I've already scheduled a DBing coaching session before he arrives on Monday. I need direction and I need it now.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
quick comment... fill your weekly schedule up like it's the last week you'll ever live. Stay busy, stay gone, stay mysterious, don't tell him what you're doing. Obviously, make reservations for the kids care, but stay awayfrom him the best way you can.
I agree with betterm. If you want to expose and you think it will work, then just do it. Giving them advance warning takes away the element of surprise.
Okay, because you're an obviously intelligent womam and because I think you can take it, here's a 2 x 4 coming.
You still want your M to work and the fact that you're in so much anguish over the fact that H and OW had sex after he was supposed to have ended their A shows that you still feel for H.
You are now spinning. I have been there. I have done all the things that you have done - except exposing the A and speaking to OW. I can tell you that it doesn't work. Spew, threats and screams only serve to push your H further away from you.
Take it from me. I did that during the 2 attempted R before the D and look where it got me. In hindsight and even now, what would pull x nearer to me is what is advised here on the boards. Validate, stfu, state boundaries civilly but calmly.
I am not saying that your H is in the right. He's not. He has his head up his a$$, which means that you cannot expect him to think and behavd like a rational adult.
The onus is on you to be the rational one. It svcks, it is grossly unjust but there's no way around this.
I have to tell you now that whatever interactions you have with your H now will not help your cause. It takes time for them to emerge from the A fog.
Sara, it's probably better for you to minimise contact with your H until you can stop spinning and take control of your emotions. And plan how and what you want to do.
Have you read through the threads in Cadet's welcome post? Especially Sandi's rules and going dim and validating.
It's not easy but the training that you had to undergo to become a MD is not easy too. Draw on that same determination.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I went to bed around 8:30 last night (severely sleep deprived) and woke to a text from WH asking if I was awake. I responded I was and he asked me to call him. I called him and he asked about the kids, I answered calmly and matter of factly and after 1 minute of this I went back to bed. The baby woke around 2:30 am and I was making him a bottle when suddenly I had an epiphany. My H and his AP betrayed, lied and cheated AGAIN and H is mad that I screamed, cursed and threatened his girlfriend. Let that sink in...he's mad that his wife yelled at him and his girlfriend after their disgusting behavior was found out.
I stood there in the kitchen and started to laugh. It so unbelievably absurd that he thinks he has a leg to stand on. He's so self righteously angry and he thinks he gets to have a vote. It's so absurd there isn't a word descriptive enough to label it. I fell asleep quickly after the baby went back to bed.
I went over my boundaries again (mentally.) These were my conditions for reconcilation that he agreed to in DEcember
NC with OW Read materials to try and understand what he's done to me Constantly check in with me and provide complete honesty and transparency
These were the major requirements. As we can see, he did none of the above. Now I am at a crossroads, do I stay or do I go? Since I am still so raw I need to stand still and take stock. He still shows no remorse or desire to save our marriage, his fog is deep. I need to view him as a delusional patient, to be viewed with compassion and some pity. He is enraged because yesterday he called OW and she told him, "I can't do this anymore, it's gotten out of hand." WH is literally acting like an angry teenager who is grounded. He speaks to me very nasty and with a hostile tone. I told him clearly that if he was going to come to my home and see his children that he would need to speak to me with a normal tone and no sarcasm/hostility/anger. If he cannot do this then he cannot stay in my home and will need to find a hotel or just go back to his work state.
On the more concrete, immediate plans. He will be coming here on Monday. I am deciding if I should pick him up from the airport or let him figure out how to get here via taxi/train. But I do plan on leaving him home with the kids every day and evening. I will go to work during the day and then hang out with friends in the evenings. Our time is running short before I move and I want to say my goodbyes. While HWH is home I will be cordial and distant. I will not engage in fights or rise to argument bait. I WILL DETACH!
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
It is a peculiar thing the can flip the switch of realization sometimes. Hold fast to this.
Now the test will begin. Keep the thoughts strong in your mind that you have listed here. You are at a crossroads. There is no rush to make a decision. Heal the raw wound. Notice I did not say, let the would heal? Take action to heal. Emotional first aid. (Guy Winch Ted Talk)
I encourage that you look up the Stockade Paradox. This info may aid you at this time
Accept what has happened. Take the appropriate actions for you, your family, in spite of what you must accept. Do not sit back and let emotions happen to you. Taking action to make your emotions servants to your bidding, provides power and control. Detachment happens when you are in control.
As V will say, you cannot unknown what you have discovered. All focus on Sara now.
((((Sara))))
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Cheaters are cheaters and wayward because they choose to be.
Further your WH chose to cheat again after feeling entitled to cheat again. Otherwise he would have made a different choice.
Does that mean you are plan B?
Who knows?
It means you were gaslighted, from his attitude I would say deliberately. This is nothing to do with you, it's WH with being a father and having a vulnerable wife plus new born, he had other choices. He was selfish and entitled and it is dreadful.
Go be mad, be angry.
It's a 180 Right!
Say your piece, call it. I give you permission.
Calling it over and over again, won't help.
Once is enough.
After that call him on it here, rant away. He needs a name, cheater pants or scum or crum bum, you name him. OW to have a name too, ho ho comes to mind, crotch features. What sort of person has an A with a man whose W just had a child? A ho ho hum. Nasty wormy creature, willy warmer. Scabies face. Brazen slut features. I got those names in spades for these horrors.
Teach WH how you are to be treated, with respect, if that takes L action and holding him to his bargains for you and the children, then it does.
No procrastinating on this.
My thinking is these are phrases you can say:
'WH there are consequences for your behaviour" "WH I want more than crumbs. And your behaviour of me is crummy" "WH I want a loving healthy R, without gaslighting" "Really WH I deserve better than this treatment" "I am ok, this A was your choice and is your responsibility not mine" "I feel you did a bait and switch" "We both know the truth" -------------------------------
Treat yourself with love care and respect,from a healthy place.
SS, this WH isn't your sole source of you. You are.
Belive your higher power will guide you and heal.
You are emotionally available to WH who is choosing to be in an A.
You let it rip, good for you, I am pleased to hear it. Truly I am, it's a great clue to you moving to the next level of the Kubler Ross Grief curve. Right on cue,I have been waiting for this in your posts and I am so pleased for you.
This is the start of shift.
Good for you.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
