New thread, same problems!

[KyleR]

I spent the rest of the night rereading the homework and trying to get a grasp on everything. I'm not going to say I've had an epiphany and I've turned a corner but I think I may have a clearer understanding.

I picked the kids for the weekend so at least I have something to focus on for the next couple of days. It was awkward when I arrived at the house because the kids weren't home so it was just me and my W for 10/15 minutes. I kept the conversation light and made sure I was maintaining eye contact for the whole time and actively listening.

I did notice that the house was a complete mess, it looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a week of not more. It feels good knowing I'm taking my kids out of that environment for a couple of days to a clean, organised house.

[Vanilla]

The house is her sand pit. Let her play in it.

V

[KyleR]

Yeah I didn't make a comment nor will I, in fact it highlighted just how much I did to maintain that home.

I have just come back from a rather enlightening session with my counselor, she spent much of the time trying to work out my W motives and work out what could be going on in her mind. She did finish the session by telling me that I need to let go and remove her safety net.

[SH_]

I spent the rest of the night rereading the homework and trying to get a grasp on everything. I'm not going to say I've had an epiphany and I've turned a corner but I think I may have a clearer understanding.

No epiphany needed to start to take action.
Only acceptance of your circumstances.
Please look up the Stockdale Paradox

Understanding Why this is happening will not change what you must do to survive this.
Acceptance and a focused plan of action will.

Much information has been provided to you.
Much support has been given to you.
Much time has passed since the start of your situation.
It is time to choose what you will do.

Will you take a step forward?
Will you benefit from what has been given to you by so many that genuinely have concern and your best interest at heart?

I am praying for you KyleR.
I believe many here lending support have you in their prayers also.

Please heed the following.

“Start now.
Start where you are.
Start with fear.
Start with pain.
Start with doubt.
Start with hands shaking.
Start with voice trembling but start.
Start and don’t stop.
Start where you are, with what you have. Just... start.”
-Ijeoma Umebinyuo

[KyleR]

Thank you for the advice everyone I've been in some dark places and you guys have really helped pull me out of it.

I've looked at the Stockdale Paradox and it was a very interesting read and definitely something to bare in mind.

To give people a quick update I picked my D5 up yesterday and my W had packed nickers which we're for 2-3 year olds and she is crawling with head lice. This is not acceptable and I will be letting her know this when I drop her back off tomorrow.

[RSG]

This is a good step!
It really hits home when the WW starts to neglect the children, those they say are the most important part of their life. It's taken me 3 weeks, but I've taken to heart what so many kept telling me. WW isn't my wife. Be a lighthouse, be mysterious, do what you can to keep busy and grow. It works. And you're not hanging on every word they say, you're just a sounding board for them, validating and showing them you are confident in yourself whether she's around or not. (Doesn't mean you don't have times you cry, are angry or somewhere in between. It just means you project yourself in a positive manner.) It hurts to hear in the moment, but when you accept the M is likely over, you view things differently. Do you WANT to be M to WW? No!!

One thing I have been wrestling with is the idea of giving up. I think about it a lot when she does things that just don't make sense. Just keep in mind: The woman you love IS in there. The waywardness just makes sure she barely comes out, and that's who you're dealing with now.

Keep on top of those kids, make sure you come down authoritatively when you spot areas of neglect!

[KyleR]

I've always been so passive in our M and never really pulled my W up on her indiscretions but I see I can't do that anymore. I have to be a rock for my kids and have to have some self respect.

2 weeks ago when I had my D5 my W packed 2 pairs of shorts which were for 3-4 year olds and I didn't say a word because I didn't want to rock the boat. From here on out if she says or does something I don't agree with I must let her know.

[RSG]

This is what Sandi's talking about. They'll walk all over you if you let them. I was guilty too. WW's only care about themselves. They care about others, even their own kids, when it suits their own needs. My WW tried to instigate me into a conversation because she was bored, and intimated she missed S. Despite the fact that when she saw him, she read a magazine, was short with him and only spent about 10 minutes playing with him during an hour at the pool.

It's hard, but remember actions>words.

[KyleR]

I'm so grateful to everyone who's commented on my threads over the past few weeks.

I feel like that pedestal my W was on has come down a bit more and I feel ready to challenge her on things that I just don't agree with.

I've had a great day today with my D5 today, there was a couple of occasions where she innocently asked me when I was coming home etc which would normally rip me apart but I just skimmed past them.

In more good news I finally managed to secure a driving instructor starting 2nd July so will have that to focus my energy in to.

[JksD]

I can hear the switch in your tone, Kyle. Good on you!

Btw, I feel you about the head lice. Had a horrible experience with it last year and early this year.

How are you dealing with it? You'll have to treat everyone that comes into contact with your d5.