I hope i have the strength to see it through. May i ask what your H did at that point? How did he have the patience and strength to endure the wait?
Well, my H has the patient of Job. I am the one who has none. . I think his strength came through prayer.
Frankly, I was so self absorbed, until I don't remember seeing very much outwardly. When the sh't hit the fan, I saw his anger in a way I had never seen it. He is the nice-guy, even temperament, easy-going man. If you have ever read no more mr. nice guy, then you'll see a picture of my H. I definitely brought out his worst!
What vividly stands out in my mind, is the morning after he discovered OM. As usual, I was the one talking, and thought I was the one with the control. Just like every other WW, I told him that if we separated I hoped we would still be friends. He looked right into my eyes and sadly shook his head, and then I heard the words I will never forget. "If you leave, there will be no coming back home, and rest assured we will not be on the buddy-buddy system". He did not raise his voice. He did not speak in anger or show any other emotion. But he spoke with confidence and determination in his voice. I knew he meant every word. And, oh boy.......did it hit me. I had known him since I was 15. We got M when I was only 18. I could not imagine never seeing him again. I had imagined riding off into the sunset with OM, and coming home to visit my family........but never did it enter my arrogant mind that he would not want to keep a friendly relationship with me. He loved me!
You see, the WW is very egotistical. And, I actually thought that if I left, he would welcome me back with open arms......as his friend. I actually thought he would feel grateful just to get me as a friend! Can you believe the audacity in me?
It took me a while to figure it out. You see, it was not my H who showed up at the doors of the DB board. It was me! Which in itself, is highly unusual for a WW. I was very defensive to a lot of things people would say to me about what I needed to do in the MR. I would rattle off all the things wrong about my H and how he was doing nothing to change, etc. Their answer to me was, "But you are the one here, not your husband"! Oh, I would get angry and very frustrated. I was gripping about him and getting hit in the face by other LBS's. I felt as if he was getting off scott-free and all the work was on me........and I was the bad guy. I felt as if nobody understood me! (ha)
That is the way it is. We can't talk to the person who isn't here. My H did not have the DB tools that you get here. He is a very private man and did not talk about it to others. He is a devoted Christian and I believe his strength came from God. As far as him making big changes, the way we teach DBers, I didn't see anything like that. His health took a big plunge and has steadily gone downhill ever since.
If I had not been so depressed and could have shown some energy and interest in putting forth effort........I think he would have been thrilled and responded likewise. I had always been the one who managed the relationship. And he told me He wanted to see me put a 110% effort back into the MR (which made me really mad). I felt it had always been me putting a 110% into the MR, while he did nothing. Anyway, I couldn't do it right then, and he didn't understand the process I had to go through. I can't imagine how discouraged and hurt he must have been. He probably felt like giving up several times. Nobody comes out of a WW crises unscathed.
Many LBH'S have asked me what did my H do to get me back into the MR. Ahhhh.......but it was not my H who had the DB toolbox.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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