Working on me and letting it play out

[Jzmill]

cbtdad,
Catching up on some threads that have chimed in for me..agree it is hard when we can only control our own actions.

I like the idea of having consequences for breaking goals. I should try that for not reacting to things. Frustrating when stumble.

My H has been drinking more socially lately and then buying the stuff to make at home. He will go through most within weekend. Never did that before.

[cbtdad]

Ran 2.02 miles 21:37 according to my Nike running app
I hate running.
But worse is the feeling I had after snooping today. It made me feel terrible earlier

[cbtdad]

W and I had a MC session this morning. No big grand changes or anything. We are both living in the now for the moment. Still separate bedrooms. Still no wedding rings. So basically still not working on our marriage, but working on ourselves.
I did a lot of the talking since it had been a couple weeks since we had been there. And in those last two weeks I have learned so much about verbal and emotional abuse. I have learned things that I didn't even realize I was doing. I was controlling, critical, judging, and much more. I would define my W all the time. I thought she should know how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. That I do know what she is feeling and thinking. I had built up this woman in my head that was an extension of me.
It's like I was blind and now I can see. I have been so happy the last couple weeks. I feel more free. I feel like a weight has been lifted. Like I now realize for once what the problem was and why I was doing the things I was doing. Also realizing the things that I didn't know I was doing, but why I was doing them
So I have I talked a lot and got out things I have been working on the MC asked W what she thought. I will do my best to sum up a lot of her responses today.
She said she sees that, but that she has too much on her plate to worry about that right now. That between school, her moms cancer and other issues that her plate is full.
She said she is just living day to day and that she wakes up and does it all over again. She went on to say that this is why she has said 6 weeks ago that she didn't have any fight left right now.
So I turned to her asked her if she is concerned that if she agreed "we were working on things" that I would overwhelm her.
She said, "yeah basically"
What I think she means is that I can be exhausting. That I will just keep going and going like I did Saturday night. She is right and that is something I'm working on.
She said she gets anxiety over if she is doing something wrong.
Like Tuesday morning I text her and told her that our neighbor was out bowling at the same place she was. She brought that up and said, "As soon as I got that text I knew you were thinking I wasn't really bowling because neighbor didn't see me. I started freaking out thinking crap I gave friend cash who paid for the games and I don't have proof to show him I was there"
I told her she was right. That crossed my mind. But I didn't bring that up to her and let her know that I was thinking about that. I told her that that is one of the things I am learning. I can't control what I think, but I can control how I respond.
She understood that and nodded.
I then asked her if when she use to come home she would start getting anxiety right she pulled in, etc.
She said absolutely and that things would be great at the house, but then she felt like she had to walk on eggshells or that we would start fighting.
This was just a small summary of the session.
Overall it went well. There is no question that I am just in a holding pattern working on me. That's a;; I can do until she thinks that the changes I am making can last and are real.
I will continue my goals each and every day, and have consequences when I mess up

[betterm]

Sounds generally like MC wasn't a bad session at all. Your W is obviously still holding out and watching you to see how things progress until she makes the move to work on MR.

It's not that I don't believe your W when she says "her plate is full", but probably more so that she is fearful of you returning to your old patterns (the bowling alley anxiety shows this). Cut back on the "Saturday night" occurrences and I think your on a good path to showing consistency, which is what you need (and she needs) to grow into what you want to become.

Curious, did you discuss and of your personal goals in detail during the MC? Or is that something your keeping to yourself? If she knows exactly what your working on, it's easier for her to pick you apart as soon as you have one minor fallback.

[cbtdad]

We did discuss some of that. She doesn't know my goals like I posted here the other day. But I did tell her my goal is to become the person that she doesn't have to have anxiety about when I walk in the house. I even said the following, "one of my concerns is being triggered and having my emotions flare up and W saying see he wont change I give up." The MC did a great of explaining that there will be flare ups. It really couldn't have gone better in that regard. We discussed triggers and everything. I don't think she is expecting me to be perfect all the time. I do believe its about the consistent progress.
honestly my only concern is the fact that I feel like I've left her vulnerable again. But I can't control that. I'm just going to keep doing me

[cbtdad]

Just wanted to post a little text exchange between W and I
I usually would dig deeper and "pounce" as I call it
So this is getting better for me.
cbtdad: "How's your school stuff going?"
W: "$hitty. And I feel like I'm getting sick"
cbtdad: "That stinks. What are you feeling?"
W: "Nothing. What do you need"
cbtdad: "Nothing. Sorry for asking"
cbtdad: "Would you like me to cancel tonight?"
W:"No"

I probably didn't need to throw in the sorry for asking part.
I was a little irritated.
But normally I would have gone full hulk mode through text because I read that as her coming off as a witch
We have plans tonight with another couple for dinner. No kids. Just the 4 of us out on the town.
We'll see how that goes

[betterm]

What do you need is kind of a rough and rude response... I probably wouldn't have responded properly either. My stance lately is if I'm not sure what to say/respond, I don't respond at all. All you did was show her your admitting you shouldn't have been asking I guess? A simple, 'nothing, I'll talk to ya later' might have been better, but you already know that...

[cbtdad]

Thanks betterm!
You are so right. I know better. Lol
When
I asked what she "was feeling" I meant how is she feeling sick
She was nice when I got home and was making jokes about her brain not working well while studying and wanting to trade in our S for another.
I didn't validate that. Haha
She is getting ready right now
Looking so hot
My goal tonight is to sit back and let her talk and me listen
Every other time we go out with couples I'm the type A and tend to dominate the conversation
Tonight I will not interrupt and let her be the star that I think she can be

[betterm]

Thanks betterm!

She is getting ready right now
Looking so hot

I remember thinking this when my W showed up before "going golfing" (something new she started to find an escape). She looked GOOOOD. haha, but I know that I can't think that way right now, as it could lead to pursuant behavior. She is 'hot', but I still have emotions attached to that hotness, and I'm trying not to associate anything that can tie to the 'old us'

My goal tonight is to sit back and let her talk and me listen
Every other time we go out with couples I'm the type A and tend to dominate the conversation
Tonight I will not interrupt and let her be the star that I think she can be

I'm the same way, I've been working hard to not interrupt ANYONE during conversation, practicing this at work, family, events, etc. I have severe ADHD and take medication, but still struggle with wanting to 'jump in' and dominate conversation... It's a 180 I'm working on, and it sounds like you are too. Being patient, and listening is all part of the growth process, it truly does make you a better person. I wish you luck in this goal. You got it.

[cbtdad]

Nothing really new to report.
Spent a lot of time with the W over the past few days. Went out to dinner with her and another couple Saturday night. We had a great time. I made sure I just listened to her and didn't "control" the conversation. Think I did really well.
Sunday we went to baseball game with our S and a friend of hers. Another great time
Last night she asked if I wanted to start watching the new season of House of Cards. I have Netflix set up in our bedroom. So we watched a couple episodes in the bed. Then I went back to guest room and went to sleep.
IC thinks this is still the right move for me. Give her the space she needs and let her come to me when she is ready. She says that my verbal and emotional abuse wore down W and she became numb. Bottom line is it will take time before she believes that the changes I am making will last.
So for now I continue to actually be very happy with me and the progress I'm making. I'm also very happy with the way W and I are getting along and communicating. But of course in the end I want more. For now though I will continue to plug away and not push