I'm sorry I missed this post yesterday, I hope you pulled through okay and having a better day today!
I know a lot of people on here are against the bringing up of an EA. I was in a similar situation as you are, in "knowing" that there was an EA with OM she works with (text/phone bill records showed over 1,000 texts in 10 day period, going sometimes through 3-4AM when I wasn't around... she was with 'girls', etc)...
Every single minute was filled with conflict of confronting, or not confronting, and it was weighing everything I did down. Trouble at work, trouble at home, trouble everytime I happened to see my WW. Finally I changed plans, and confronted her about the EA. However, I did it with help/resources of others on this forum in how to execute.
Like many said, confronting the EA will not help you in reconciling your MR. It will probably (definitely) result in pissing your spouse off to the point they will rage/yell/callnames/etc. and this is exactly what happened when I did it. However, from that moment on, I've had a much clearer vision of what I'm trying to accomplish. Instead of the LBS fog, I had the EA-confrontation fog, that was clouding every last thought I had.
Now, it probably drove my WW away from me more than she already was, but my goal was accomplished. I calmly said to her, (summary inc) "I know I've done some things to get us to this point, and I've created a void and distance that has forced you to make the decisions you've made in wanting to leave this R. All I wanted to say is that I know you've been talking to another man, more frequently that someone in an MR should. I'm not telling you this to cause a fight, and I'm not telling you that you can, or can't talk to whoever you want, but I want you to know I find that behavior unacceptable in any marriage that I want to be a part of." There were a lot of interruptions, and I'm surprised I made it as far as I didn't without erupting, but after she "fought back", I just said "I don't wish to discuss this any further, but the evidence is downstairs on the table, and I just wanted you to know. If you'd like to talk about it at another time, we can talk later when things have cooled off."
Sorry for the lengthly post, but that's about how my confrontation went, and although it didn't "help" the MR, it "helped ME!" From that moment, I was able to stop snooping, stop worrying about her and her actions, stop thinking about what kind of reactions I was going to get from my WW on each given action, etc. It set me free to focus purely on my DB path of bettering myself, without having her in the back of my head all the time...
Take this with a grain of salt, as it could be the one thing that "tips her over" and it very may well feel like you've ruined your chances forever... That's how I felt when it was all done, and the next day, I felt 100x better.
